Single VS in a Relationship

single vs relationship
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Single is the new black… The boobs are always bigger on the other side… So many options, so little time… Whichever way you look at it, there doesn’t seem to be a clear, cut throat, most obvious way to go. Unless you’re lucky enough to go back to Pleasantville, nothing is black and white.

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Being in a relationship is great. You get to validate your phone plan’s ability to send and receive an unlimited amount of cute little text messages about the nothingness that so greatly describes the details of your day… All the phone calls filled with adorable silences as you listen to each other breathe, suddenly become justified. You don’t have to have a reason to dial the person’s number. They’re your significant other and they signed up to listen to your chatter at any given time of day when they agreed to be exclusive with you, just as much as you agreed to support them in every and all dreams and aspirations that may come along.

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There’s always someone to wish good morning and good night to, and you no longer have to handle your Netflix addiction solo because you’ve got your partner in crime joining you on the couch. So you wrap yourself in your security blanket which is probably accompanied by a cat for purrfect cuddlez and you drift away into Couple’s Paradise. Eventually you get tired of lugging your personal belongings and change of clothes back and forth, so you do the obvious, and move in together. Now you get to save on rent, do shopping together, cook dinner together (Yay! Fun!), drink wine together, fall asleep together, wake up to each other’s faces every day, together. Then you’ll probably be like “Hey, I’m tired of Fluffball watching us having sex every time. Let’s get him a friend!” So you get a puppy… Now you have paw prints with both Meow and Woof on your doormat to demonstrate how totes adorbs you are. Soon enough, that becomes not enough and you decide to further develop your clan by reproducing naturally. (I’m skipping the wedding bells here because I feel it would be too big of an “insert” since it’s clearly a category big enough on its own).  So now that you’re popping out babies, you finally get to put your scrapbooking skills to use and that camera that you bought for your travels that you never got to cease, can make its way out of the closet and finally do some damage control. Every second now is a chance to take a beautiful picture of your gorgeous baby and there’s only 86400 seconds in a day so you better get cracking.

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With that, a different kind of fun begins. There’s no longer time for Netflix and lazy evenings by the fireplace splitting a bottle of wine with your “Bae”. Your furry friends are now feeling neglected because your main concern is to make sure that your clones grow up with better views on life as you will sooner die than recreate your parents’ mistakes. “When I have kids, I will never do so and so…” You’re so amazingly bright at 17 when life seems so discriminating that you make it a goal of yours to never treat your kids as unfairly as your parents treat you…….. I feel like I have to put extra “…….” here to emphasize the ridiculousness of that statement. I’d also like to point out the level of hypocrisy that is going to take place when you “grow up” and unleash your views on first your younger siblings, and then your offspring. It’s almost always inevitable. But hey, you and your partner get to both put suggestions in the “Major Decisions” jar, and it’s probably going to be fun sifting through them, deciding to pick the best ones. And you thought agreeing on colors of the walls was tough…

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Seems somewhat black and white doesn’t it? Seems like a template that everyone follows blindly? Ehh, it is and it isn’t. It’s a whole new world! Nothing is what it seems and while some people follow the traditional ways, others choose to lead their life more unconventionally.

I find it hard to choose one or the other. Both sides bring such compelling arguments. On one side, you have these mystical scenarios for perfect relationships coming true and making sense. I adore the idea of an old fashion lifestyle. Big happy family with eight kids, three dogs, a cat, enormous backyard and parents that die of old age, holding hands Notebook style. On the other side you have the more common scenarios of today’s generation filled with experimental stages, drunken mishaps, poor decisions, engagements that last longer than reasonable, unnecessary mind games and other retardation. I’m not saying that any of that is appealing to me. I am however saying that it is that world, today’s world, the world that is the opposite of the old fashion world that happens to be very comfortable and expects very little of you. It allows you to be selfish and alone, and to like it. It pains me to admit it that I like it. It PAINS me because ultimately, I look at the formula of LIFE, and I’m like, hey, this is logical, this makes sense, I want that… and yet… I’m still like EHHHHHH … Come to think of it, that’s a lot of work. I’d rather be selfish and do things that make sense right here and right now and for MEEEEEE….

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So, for all you non-cynical assholes out there, unlike me, if you can make your relationships work and achieve life’s greatness with someone by your side, all the power to you. I’ll stay here, on the dark side and eat my cookies.

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Why? One word. Organizedchaos. Everything is where is it needs to be and no one is there to judge me for it. No I don’t have too much stuff for my hair and face in the bathroom. Yes, I have “enough” of lotions and face masks. No, that hair brush isn’t the same as the other three in my pretty wicker basket under the sink. Yes that wicker basket serves a different purpose than my 4 other baskets in the closet… No I don’t need you to combine the 5 different hair conditioners into one bottle to save space! Each and every one of those has a purpose and you just don’t understand because you shave with your shampoo and you wash your hair with soap… Sure all that may seem trivial, but it adds up.

Then there’s the cuddling. Who doesn’t love cuddling? Love cuddling. Until you’re cuddling me so hard that you’re choking me. Come on now, you’ve done the diligence. You’ve shown your interest. We had sex, you choked me, I bit you, you smacked me, I spit on you, you hugged me, it’s beautiful, now move on over to the other side of the bed and let me sleep in peace. Thanks. Honesty, right?? You can’t say that though! Because that’s mean… What do you mean you don’t want to hold me all night long? But honey bunches, but bumble cakes, but but but… But I want you with me, next to me, to be a part of me all day every day….. But but but… get the fuck off of me and move over! You’re suffocating me with your love…

Can’t forget about the grooming… If you’re with someone, you probably shape things up down there. Whether your lover likes a little bit of hair or a lotta bit of hair, it requires some sort of maintenance regardless. Guess what, when you’re single, no maintenance required. You feel like shaving your arm pits today? Go for it! Not feeling it? No biggie! The only person that matters in that decision making process is you! Same goes for food shopping and food consuming. Same goes for everything really. It’s so much easier to control everything around you when you’re the only one making decisions. No one is going to ask you what time you’ll be home. No one is going to tell you that they’re tired of your mashed potatoes. No one is going to nag you about anything. No one is going to hog the remote control. No need to have the conversation about whether or not you want to keep the TV on when you go to bed or off, because one person likes silence and the other person can’t sleep without background noise. No one is going to wake you up with sexual requests. Don’t get me wrong, morning sex is great… But on MY time. Sleepy time is important time and the selfish beast shall not be bothered with the lovey dovey nonsense unless it is initiated during appropriate time frames. Must dig deep into selfish beast’s brain to retrieve allotted time frames as they are not available in the common sense category.

So there you have it. Selfish Life versus Patient Love. Some of us pick one and stick to it, and others dart in between the two relying on the intricate, constantly changing reasoning our minds provide us with.

Valentine’s Day – Social Mindfuck

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Like a broken heart, the nation splits into two pieces – the hopeless romantics/believers and the skeptical pessimists. I myself am leaning towards the latter, but I must admit, the hopeless romantic rears its ugly smug little head every now and then.

A lot of stereotypes come out to play on Valentine’s Day, and unlike the curly haired fat baby with wings and arrows, who happens to be the culprit behind it all, these stereotypes are anything but imaginary. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day dedicated to Romance – flowers, candy, jewelry and extra attention. It sounds good at first but once you start dissecting it, it really isn’t all it’s cracked out to be.

  1. The lack of a significant other causes people to behave a certain way on V-Day.

If you’re not currently in a relationship, then there’s the pressure of finding a date, or hoping that a date finds you. If you’re not successful in making either one of those happen, then you inevitably end up feeling bad. You might even send yourself flowers at the office so your coworkers don’t think you’re as pathetic as you actually are. Funny enough you’d seem less pathetic if you haven’t sent the flowers, because trust me, everybody in your office knows who those flowers are from no matter what the crafty card says. Either that or you’ll just spend the night alone on the couch with a pint of ice cream, a box of tissues and the ultimate chick flick marathon on your TV, as cliché as that sounds. Then you’ll cry yourself to sleep because “nobody loves you”. You’re alone 364 days out of the year, why is it that you choose Valentine’s Day to focus on the sadness behind your single life and start feeling bad for yourself? Why does one have to feel bad about being alone in the first place? Some of the best times I’ve had were spent by my lonesome self.

  1. You are in a relationship and you think your V-Day problems are behind you.

Great, you’re one step closer to your Valentine’s Day not being a complete disaster because you don’t have to go searching for a date. At least that’s the general female mentality – “I’m in a relationship, thank god I won’t be alone”. A man would never have trouble finding a date on Valentine’s Day if he so desired; there are plenty of desperate women just sitting there waiting on the edge of their seat to be asked on a date. In fact it is when a man is in a relationship that he finds himself most stressed. There’s the pressure of finding a restaurant, and not just any restaurant but a good one, which implies that he has to book it way in advance. What man likes that kind of planning? He’ll book tickets for the super bowl half a year in advance, sure, but that’s that. He’s not stressed because he hopes to find the right place so he can eat some decent food either. He’s stressed because he knows that if he doesn’t do everything “right”, you’re not going to be pleased and that’s going to affect him negatively. And it’s not like all you winey, needy, delicate, little things are sitting there all relaxed because you know your man will take care of it all, no; you’re psyching yourself out because deep inside you know that somewhere somehow something will get screwed up. All this stress and for what; because the society told you that this is the day you have to celebrate Love? I’m sure you can find better, healthier, much more productive things to do with your day.

  1. There’s the matter of the gifting procedures.

First off, I have to put it out there that I highly dislike the concept behind “having to” give a gift. A gift should be something meaningful and from the heart. If you’re faced with a “special occasion” during which you have to produce said gift, you’re most likely going to end up with something shitty to gift. Don’t get me wrong, some people are naturally great at gift giving and no matter what situation they’re placed in, time/money constraints or otherwise, they still miraculously come out on top with the best and most fitting gifts imaginable. Then there are others that somehow either never have the time to do the actual research or generally don’t have a clue about a person whom they’re shopping for, and therefore end up with something equivalent to that of an airport gift shop quality. I love buying gifts for my friends and in general people that I care about. Sometimes I think things through for a long time and end up with perfection; sometimes perfection lands right in front of me. I don’t need a special occasion to give the perfect gift, especially not when it presents itself to me on a regular Monday; I’d much rather give it just because. That’s why everything about gift giving procedures on “special” occasions, Valentine’s Day very much included, has me bent out of shape. You probably think I’m being unreasonable. What about Christmas and birthdays? Well, what about them? The only thing that’s unreasonable is the amount of money people spend on gifts that no one gives a shit about. They end up re-gifting them or just stashing everything in their basement. What’s the point? You might as well accompany those gifts with a card that says “I don’t care about you but I had to get you something so here’s this piece of shit that you will never use; don’t say I never got you anything” and then you pass the baton because they’ll inevitable do the very same thing with you and like the good socialites that you are, you’ll keep the cycle going. I firmly believe that no gift is better than a shitty gift. However, there is more to the whole Valentine’s Day Gifts debacle than the lack of meaning behind them. What really is unreasonable is how expensive everything is during that small time frame. They know that you’re a sucker and they’re going to maximize on your suckage with overly expensive gifts and extremely overpriced flowers. That’s right. You willingly chose to be a part of this social scheme, so deal with it.

  1. Congratulations, you’ve made it to the restaurant.

It’s February 14th; for the sake of the article let’s pretend you were in fact a responsible adult and you booked your reservation ahead of time instead of waiting ‘til last minute. After waiting at the bar, 40 minutes past your original reservation time, your ass is finally in a chair at a small table with a candle in the middle and your date is across from you; a half bottle of champagne is chilling in the ice bucket beside you and the oysters are on their way. Sound familiar? Of course it does. That’s what happens every fucking time with every fucking couple or non-couple at every fucking restaurant every fucking Valentine’s Day. Why would it be any different? Wherever you go it’s guaranteed to be crowded. Whatever you’re in the mood for, your first course is almost guaranteed to be oysters because well duh, you want to stuff your date with as many aphrodisiacs as possible so they’ll put out later. Regardless of your normal choice of boozy liquid, you’ll be starting with champagne because not only do bubbles always equal celebration but also it’s considered to be the best pairing for the slimy appetizer that’s coming your way. No matter how “on-time” you show up for your reservation, you’re almost always going to have to wait at the bar because let’s face it, the couple that’s still sitting at the table that’s scheduled to be yours,  is shamelessly sucking face. You’d be surprised how few people give a fuck about others when another person’s tongue is lodged in their throat; the fact that they’re in a public place doesn’t even begin to bother them. All of the above pretty much takes place unless something unorthodox happens, like a reservation at 5pm for example. This can mean a few things. Either they waited too long to make the reservation, and now they’re stuck with the earliest of reservations which isn’t exactly romantic, or either one of the following which quite frankly puts them ahead of the game in my book: 1) They are nothing short of early birds and it’s almost their bed time. 2) They want to go out to dinner but want to completely ignore the chaos of the outside world that comes with it. Either one of the last two forfeits the right to receive the “National Reject Behavior” award, as they are merely bystanders of an evil holiday known as Valentine’s Day.

  1. The success rate is at its low and it’s because of your expectations being too high.

Year in and year out you constantly say to yourself that this year it’ll be different; this year nothing will go wrong and it’ll all work out magically and it’ll be the best Valentine’s Day ever. Why?! Why are you putting so much pressure on this stupid day? It’s impossible to compete with the standards you continuously set for yourselves. Between the babysitters cancelling and the teenagers throwing parties as the parents are away, not to mention the dateless and the dating – it’s all just too much. If you subtract all the expectations of what Valentine’s Day – a celebration of love – is supposed to be, you might just end up in a very good place. You could be snuggled up on a couch, with or without a date; either way Chinese food is great company. You could bring “Netflix and Chill” to a whole new, non-creepy level! You can do that while skipping the outside traffic and all the waiting around, therefore completely skipping the possibility of any disappointment altogether.

 

You don’t need a calendar to tell you whether or not you’re complete. Make your own rules. And if you happen to still be in desperate need of a date on Feb 14th, just make Life your Valentine. It’s guaranteed to fuck you.

 

I’m Too Old For This S***

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Age is nothing but a number. That’s what we tend to say when we want to justify our actions. It’s most commonly seen in situations where we choose to date someone significantly younger or older than us. “So what?” we say to ourselves; it doesn’t matter that we’re three decades apart, what matters is how we feel inside. There is some truth to that logic, don’t get me wrong. For example, when a seventy five year old man says he feels thirty five, I believe that. I see him working out every day and he’s in better shape than I was at twenty. Excuse me, but when a hot young blonde marries a geezer because “they’re in love”, I call bullshit.

So where does one draw the line? How old is too old? It does have a bit of an umbrella thing going on so it would have to cover a few things. For instance, the line for “too young” has been drawn. There is a drinking age, driving age, and let’s not forget about those over developed fifteen year olds that walk the streets of the 21st century causing statutory rapes and whatnot. Sorry, “Age is nothing but a number” won’t fly in court. Perhaps there isn’t and will never be an official solid line for how old too old is. Perhaps all we can do is rely on “the feeling” and our so called “better” judgement in this case. I for one constantly find myself in situations that Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon finds himself in, and yet for some reason my life keeps casting me in these sequels that no one cares for. So here’s the breakdown of my very own “I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT” Series.

  1. HE SAID/SHE SAID – Also known as middle school bullshit that quite frankly instead of staying in middle school where it semi belongs, travels into the homes and lives of most adults. Rumors, tales and misconstrued information – Aint nobody got time for that! Well actually, people get pretty crafty when it comes to finding time for talking shit. It’s not like it takes a lot of effort or energy or anything. You don’t have to stand in line to express your opinions or “findings”.. You don’t even have to know what you’re talking about; you can just make things up as you go. I can’t think of anyone I know personally that doesn’t partake in the shit talking activity, myself included. We’re all guilty of it, it’s just a matter of how much – taking a candy from the store without paying for it vs blowing up the whole damn store to the ground kind of thing. I’m definitely too old to be walking around blowing shit up and out of proportions.
  2. ALL-NIGHTERS – There used to be a time when I would be able to drink all night, never go to sleep, watch the sun rise from an abandoned rooftop, then pop into a coffee shop and go straight to work – same clothes and all. Granted I had the luxury of wearing whatever to work back then, including hooker heels and slip on dresses, but that’s beside the point. I remember having loads of energy and the ability to just constantly keep going. The energizer bunny had nothing on me. Now? I don’t stand a chance against that long eared prick. I can’t pull an all-nighter even without the drinking; I need my sleep to function. Getting old here, yo.
  3. SLEEPOVERS – Same thing. I can’t tell you how many different places I found myself waking up in the morning. The conditions in which to sleep in didn’t matter back then. Don’t try and scare me with your loveseat. I can manage with half of my body on the cushions and my head on the adjacent floor and not only sleep in that position until ungodly hours of the day but also wake up with no signs of back pain or neck strains. Correction – could. Now? Forget it. Sleeping in conditions that are less than perfect takes a serious toll on my operating abilities during the day. Don’t get me wrong, a random sleepover will still slip through the cracks every now and then; too much to drink; too far to drive; I’m on vacation so fuck it, etc. But ultimately, I’m way too old for sleepovers. I would much rather sleep at home on my super comfortable bed with my amazing pillow, both of which I am in a long and serious relationship with. We belong together.
  4. ROOMMATES – I’ve done the roommate thing several times, with both pleasant and horrific outcomes. Having a roommate certainly has its advantages – Cheaper rent and someone to keep you company on a Sunday night or whatever. The list ends there for me. I need to feel comfortable in my home, and if feeling comfortable requires me to walk around naked or make myself an elaborate snack at 2 in the morning then I want to be able to do that without being concerned about disturbing the peace of another person living two feet away from my kitchen. I also like to keep things clean, organized and stocked. Not having the power to control what your roommates’ hands and mouths consume without replenishing isn’t something I’m particularly fond of in a living situation. I’m too old to deal with other people’s whining and their random guests. I’m also too old to clean the hair off the bathroom floor that’s not my own. When you live alone, that problem is non-existent. The only standards you have to live up to are your own and the only person responsible for making any sort of mess is yourself so you can’t even get mad.

 

Of course there’s always a possibility of yet another sequel but let’s face it, the gist is pretty much covered. Anything else would be redundant. Bottom line is there comes a time when you just can’t do certain things anymore, but unlike with “too young”, official limits can’t be set. So do your thang while you can. One day you’ll wake up and be like “Fuck. I’m too old for this shit”.

The Ultimate Hypocrite

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There’s a thin line between love and hate. We say we “love” in regards to some of the most inane things and people imaginable. We say we hate some of the most ridiculous things out there. We hardly ever even think about whether or not we truly mean it when we say it.

How many times have you seen girls be all like “Omg, you’re the best, I love you!!”… But you know damn well that they don’t “love” said person at all. How many times have you heard someone say “I hate you” and yet it doesn’t mean they hate you at all? .In fact in some instances, it means they like you??

“Say what you mean and mean what you say”. I’m usually a hardcore advocate of this saying: That’s why ever since the whole “colloquial meaning” of the word ‘literally’ changed to appease the public, I’m even more skeptical of… Well, everything. Fuck that noise. Love means love. Hate means hate. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Wait a minute… I’m just as guilty as the next guy! Entering hypocrite stage… Words are just words and we assign whatever meaning we choose to assign to them. That’s how language came around in the first place. And it’s constantly changing for that very reason. Don’t get me wrong, the whole “literally” debacle still irks me beyond belief. But I definitely misuse other words. I can hate my parents for the so called injustices but it doesn’t mean I hate them…. I can love my friends for being awesome and hate them the very next second for being predictable and selfish at the same time.

So who’s to say what love is? Who’s to say what hate is? Can’t we just agree on the fact that it’s whatever we feel super strongly about in that very moment whether it’s positive or negative? I feel like that’s what it all comes down to.

Here are some things I love, genuinely so… I love sunsets and sunrises, assuming my lazy ass is getting up at 5am to see one. I love coffee. Sometimes it’s sweet and creamy, and sometimes it’s black and strong. I like my coffee how I like my… Women. Ha! Just kidding. I love rain… When it’s my day off and I have the option to stay in bed, under my blankets, naked, instead of driving in it, accompanied by a bunch of retards. Then I hate the rain. Also hate when rain makes other people stay at home while I’m bartending for an empty restaurant. See how that works out? I love driving… Love it regardless of long distance or short, stick shift preferably, but naturally only when it’s just me and the road, when I’m not stuck behind an ass wipe, that’s either too scared of the speed limit or too scared of the weather. I haaaaaaaaate when people drive too slowly in the fast lane when there’s NO traffic. I also hate when there’s traffic for no reason other than people slowing down because there are cops on the side of the road, not just chilling there waiting for you to break the rules mind you, but currently busy with something else; an accident perhaps or pulling someone else over for whatever reason. Why are you slowing down to stare at “the situation” that’s taking place? How much are you gonna see, REALLY? Whyyyyyy are you reducing speed, obviously so? He’s too busy for you! You’re better off speeding past them than anything else but no, you’re gonna slow down, causing everyone behind you to slow down for no reason whatsoever. I hate you.

I hate people. I hate people that lack common sense. Which is funny cause here I go being a hypocrite again. You see, sadly, common sense isn’t that common! Who’s to say what is and what isn’t common, what does or what doesn’t make sense? Something that makes sense to 10 people may make the eleventh person go like ACTUALLY, it makes more sense to do it this way… And they might be right!

A long time ago it was a common belief that the world was flat. And this one asshole thought it wasn’t. So everyone was like screw you asshole, you’re wrong, because there’s this many of us and you’re one. And they’d ostracize him just for being an outcast and having a different idea from everyone else. And this asshole was right all along.

And still, that kind of mentality stands today and will probably always be around… You hear “That’s just common sense” on almost a daily basis in a work environment when it comes to nitwits who make silly mistakes.

As much of an advocate as I am for common sense, I’m just as much of an advocate for constant change and introduction of new ideas. As much as I love change and constant “evolution”, I fucking hate change because it takes me out of my comfort zone!

Ladies and gentlemen, hypocrite at their finest, thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all night.

 

Handling Tinder

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Tinder – Ugh. Am I right?

Between Tinder and Grinder alone I think we have a reason for the civilization’s miserable demise. Swiping left and right, looking for the perfect match to fuck on a Friday night – gross. “Oh I’m not on here for dates, I’m here to make friends” – Fuck off! “I don’t like that people are objectifying me” – Double Fuck off! Take your tits off your profile picture then.

On the off chance that you are actually an innocent little wallflower and you’re on Tinder to “network” or whatever, I guess this is a semi decent way of handling those who clearly don’t have the right idea of what the app is for.

This girl found a way to channel her creativity via drawing semi embarrassing naked pictures of nitwits’ that approach her, displaying their ugly morphed penises along with the words they chose for their sexual advances, and posting them on Instagram. I don’t know if I would call this way of dealing with Tinder “amazing” per se, but you gotta give credit where credit is due.

It’s somewhat entertaining to scroll through these little sketches. You just imagine the poor schmucks sitting in their parent’s basement jerking their wieners, browsing hot chicks. Oh the humanity.

Diet or Do IT

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Diets are no fun. You’re constantly denying yourself the things that you want and love; never knowing if you’re going to break or actually be able to stick it out. Not to mention, they don’t work long term because no matter how much weight you lose eating nothing but cabbage soups and shit, you’re going to gain it all back once you’re semi happy with your appearance and “reward” yourself with that cheeseburger you’ve been craving.

If you’re going to resort to your old ways once you’re done with a diet, it’s basically pointless to go on it in the first place. That’s why those who know better go for the “changing your lifestyle” thing rather than dieting. Regular exercise and making generally healthier choices in regards to what you put in your mouth is the only true way to go in order to achieve and keep the desired weight and figure. While that method is much more effective, it’s also much less fun than your average diet; mainly because diets end and a lifestyle keeps going, so it’s pretty much the same constrictions and restraints, times infinity.

If you’ve decided to lose weight, be prepared for your patience to be challenged.

  1. You can’t lose weight sitting on the couch.

Contrary to lots of infomercials out there, you have to actually work hard to lose weight. Strapping a vibrating belt on your belly while you Netflix and Chill with a bag of chips, isn’t going to make you skinny. Before you dial the number on the screen you should probably open the door. You let Common Sense out and forgot to let it back in.

  1. Pills are dangerous; some more than others.

It’s tempting to look for a quick fix instead of taking the long route of working out and generally eating better. You might even go online searching for a “healthier” supplement alternative to help you lose weight. Reality check – there isn’t one. Herbal or not, they’re all bad.

  1. Pills that suppress your appetite so that you don’t eat as much don’t fix anything in the long run. Your body is much smarter than you are – first it’s going to go into shock mode due to not receiving as much food as it’s used to; then immediately it’ll go into starvation mode during which the metabolism will slow down. Your body doesn’t want to use up all of its resources; you’re not feeding it as regularly as you used to so it’s basically scared because it doesn’t know when it’s going to get its next meal. So it enters survival mode causing your plan of losing weight by not eating as much to burst into flames seeing as how you’re not in standby mode with no actual progress in the weight loss department in the foreseeable future. Not to mention these types of pills are really bad for your heart, and that for one is a risk I’m not willing to take.
  2. Alternatively, you have the “healthier” pills that supposedly have no effect on your heart. They merely make you shit out everything you put in your body much faster and much more often – chalk it up to a minor inconvenience or acknowledge it as a major health risk? It’s basically bulimia with a different exit strategy but the same result. Your body isn’t retaining the fat but it’s also not retaining any nutrients which live in that fat. Instead of shedding the bad fat through exercise and a healthy eating plan, you’re shitting ALL the fat through your asshole.
  1. Just DO IT.

Just set your mind to it and do it. Eat smaller portions, more frequently throughout the day. Do that which you already know you should do but haven’t been able to. Believe it or not, there’s life after bread and sugar. I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy task; I’m saying the opposite. It’s going to be especially hard if your starting point is very far from your goal. Whether it’s general health or physical image or both, you probably won’t see results for a while. Immediate gratification isn’t something that goes hand in hand with starting a healthy lifestyle. This may make you feel discouraged in the beginning. You must ignore those feelings and just keep going. The results are hiding under layers of fat that you’ve acquired and it’s up to you to break up that fat, complete the challenge and get to those results safely.

It takes patience and dedication to properly lose the desired weight. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to a healthy living and a good looking body. There’s only hard work, dedication and discipline. The options are there. The choice is yours.

 

The Hidden Magic Behind Tired Pickup Lines

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Whether on the receiving or the pitching end, we’ve all been there.. I myself, being a woman and all, have heard it all, as far as pickup lines go. Well, maybe not all, I mean there’s always more… But I’ve heard enough to know that I’ve heard too many.

Just to name a few: Going from somewhat innocent/lame to borderline inappropriate:

Did it hurt?.. When you fell from heaven?

I lost my number.. Can I have yours?

I love every bone in your body. Especially MINE!

I’m no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight!

Classic and comical as they may be, they don’t even stand near my all-time favorite – “OMG, your name is Anastasia? Like Anesthesia, you make me numb”. The nicer bones in my body prevented me from punching that person in the face and showing them what numb really feels like. Besides, he meant it in the nicest way possible.. Why would I hurt someone that has good intentions and compliments me?

Either way, what it really comes down to when talking about the success rate of pickup lines I believe, is the genuineness of the pick-up line dropper as well as the open mindedness and non-shallowness of the pick-up line receiver.

EXHIBIT A: It’s a Saturday night at a bar. There’s a girl. Presumably she is the hottest girl there and she’s sitting by her lonesome with nothing but her glass of red wine and a cell phone that’s grasping for its remaining bits of power keeping her company. There’s a boy. He’s not easy on the eyes but let’s just say he’s smart and has a great personality. (By the way, just in case you’re wondering why this girl and this boy are chillin’ at a bar, don’t worry.. It’s actually a man and a woman. Boy/Girl just sounded better to me for the sake of a potential love story. I dunno, just go with it). So, this Boy decides to come up to the girl and say something lame like “You come here often?” Let’s face it, that’s the oldest, most unoriginal, most aimless, least successful line of all time. It’s not even a line really if you think about it. It’s not trying to accomplish anything, it’s merely an opener. But let’s just say… Again for the sake of this potential love story, the girl is not a complete asshole and actually indulges the fella with a response! And oh my, what follows, if you can imagine they actually have a … Conversation!

EXHIBIT B: Same setup.. Except instead of drinking wine, let’s say she’s drinking a pina colada.. This one isn’t a badass bitch who happens to be open minded. She’s just a regular, soulless hot girl. So needless to say when our nerd approaches her with the very same “pick-up line”, her response is something similar to that of a dismissal, possibly accompanied by an uninterested snarl. We don’t like this girl. She is what you often refer to as a “See You Next Tuesday” if you know what I mean.

EXHIBIT C: Let’s switch up the setup a little bit. Same hot girl is sitting by herself. For the sake of keeping things interesting, she’s drinking a Manhattan and instead of a phone she has a book. Our guy is different too. He is no longer an awesome, rough around the edges nerd. He is now a good looking, self-important prick. He’s a stud and he knows it so he doesn’t even think twice about approaching the lady. “May I buy you a drink?” he says. She kindly declines, pointing to her ¾ full Manhattan and resuming her reading. He apologizes for disturbing her and walks away. Whether he does so because he respects her decision or because he’s too lazy to pursue anything further as he’d rather move on to his next prey that’s much easier to “capture” doesn’t matter, because the result is the same.

EXHIBIT D: Same setup. Except this time, the guy doesn’t have a clue. “Can I buy you a drink?” he says. She kindly declines of course, pointing to her Manhattan indicating that she already has a drink and making an attempt to return to her book. He doesn’t let up however. He doesn’t care that she’s got other activities going on. As far as he’s concerned, he’s the only important thing in her radius and she should be responding to his activations and nothing else. This scenario never goes well. Bouncers get involved, fights happen – it can get pretty ugly.

EXHIBIT E: Same hot girl: Sitting at the same bar. This time she is drinking a dirty Martini. Both her phone and her book are keeping her company. Our nerd friend from the first two exhibits decides to approach her with stumbling attempts of blending “Hi, you come here often?” and “Can I buy you a drink?”. And this chick is cool. She puts down her book and she’s all like “Really? That’s all you got?” And she proceeds to become his best friend/ broski/ wing woman and helps him find the girl of his dreams in the near future by putting him through some severe training and teaching him that The Eye of the Tiger has no boundaries. Or something like that.

EXHIBIT F: Let’s give the hot girl a break, she must be exhausted going back and forth between all those personalities; not to mention drunk and bound to have a major hangover the next day, given the fact that she’s mixing all these liquors. This time The Girl is sitting at the very same bar, with her hair up and her shirt sticking out of her dress pants. A pint of beer is her drink of choice and her phone is silently chillin’ by her side. Our beloved nerd slides up next to her and offers to buy her a beer. She points to the beer in front of her, clearly stating that’s not dying of thirst but suggests that they do a shot instead. And off they go gallivanting into the world of unknown possibilities of falling in love and/or one night stands.

And these are just the first 6 off the top of my head. Obviously there are plenty more variations and scenarios that could possibly take place. The point is it’s hardly ever about the pick-up line itself. It’s about the surroundings and the people that take place during this “pick up line” action. Hope you’re picking up what I’m layin’ down, yo. Shaaawwwtayyyy!

PS. Shouting things at people of opposite gender on the street in an obnoxious manner is not considered a pick up line, nor is it considered anything other than a poor attempt of conducting a mating ritual.

 

 

To Sleep Naked or Not to Sleep Naked – That is the Question

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I myself find it best to sleep in that which I was originally sleeping in for several months in my mom’s belly – nothing. I don’t believe that sleeping naked puts you in the category of a nudist however – there are plenty of activities I would much rather do with clothes on. Cooking is one of those activities – I can’t even imagine accidentally lighting one of my boobs on fire or getting splattered with hot oil from the frying pan onto my private parts. Shrug.

I have met plenty of people however that would in fact prefer to sleep in clothes. While I stick to my previously stated preference, I can certainly sympathize with their point of view. Having said, here’s the breakdown of all the reasoning on the subject I could think of.

THE ADVANTAGES OF SLEEPING NAKED:

  1. You are one with the bed.

There aren’t any extra layers that keep you from moving whichever direction you want to go. There isn’t anything snagging on the covers preventing them from sliding against your body exactly how you want them to. You are literally one with the bed. You have free reign to slide left and right, even diagonally if you’re feeling adventurous. I have yet to come across a pair of pajamas that wins my heart, and I’ve bought some top notch quality stuff. The shorts rise up your crotch, the pants rise up your leg and you can forget about the baby doll things; they rise all the way up and on top of that if you’re anything like me, the ladies refuse to stay inside a delicate camisole. Who wants to sleep in lacy sexy apparel anyway? All that stuff is just for show and I for one am not about to sacrifice comfort for the sake of being “sexy”. I’m not Eddie Murphy.

  1. More money in your pockets and more space in your drawers.

Everyone has a budget and a lot of people that don’t, probably should. If you can eliminate pajamas from your wardrobe altogether, you’d actually be saving a lot more money than you realize. And let’s not forget about the storage space. Just imagine how much extra room you can have for your endless funny T-shirts.

  1. Your laundry basket doesn’t get filled up as fast.

You wash the clothes that you wear for 8 hours a day so naturally the same logic would apply to the clothes that you wear in bed for on average the same amount of time. Sure you get into them nice and clean and there aren’t any external filthy factors in your bed like there are in the outside world, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t get dirty with use. Same with your sheets, and an even better example your towels – you get out of the shower nice and clean, and wipe yourself with a towel. Even though its sole purpose is to absorb the clean off you, that towel is too going to end up in the laundry bag. So between sheets, towels and every day clothes alone, why add to it with pajamas too? Save that room for clothes you need to wash so you can show them off again and go to sleep naked.

  1. Easy access.

You wake up in the morning next to your loved one, and instead of ruffling through layers of clothes that are probably in all kinds of awkward places, you can just swoop right in there. You’re facing additional road blocks on the way to your happy ending if pajamas are involved. Aint nobody got time for that.

  1. You can use your own body heat to keep you warm better than any layer of clothing.

It’s a proven fact: they used this method during the war to stay warm. Granted, hugging another naked body will probably generate more heat than hugging yourself, but as an experienced self-hugger I assure you, it still works. Just wrap your arms around yourself, and magic warmth will unravel from there.

 

THE DISADVANTAGES OF SLEEPING NAKED:

  1. In case of an emergency, chances of you leaving the house looking decent get slimmer.

Let’s say a natural disaster hits and you don’t have time go and pour yourself a cup of coffee so you can wake up to deal with it properly. It hits, you’re there and you have to escape the building. But oh wait, you’re naked… You don’t have time to go through your drawers to find something to throw on, you’ve got to get your ass out there; the building is on fire! Sure you may have a robe hanging on your door knob for “emergencies” but let’s face it, when you wake up all discombobulated you may even forget that you’re not wearing any clothes and run out there in all your naked glory.

 

  1. All possible intruders automatically become potential rapists.

Perhaps your luck of living peacefully has run out and a burglar decided to rob your humble abode. Having broken inside the house and having realized that you in fact having nothing worthy of stealing they might just walk away being like “oh well”. But if they see a naked body lying on the bed, they might just be like “Well let’s not make this trip a waste, I might as well just get me some of this” – And then you’re fucked… Literally.

 

  1. Body heat may be a thing, but it doesn’t transfer that heat to the uninhibited sheets surrounding you.

A friend of mine brought up an interesting point. She says she’s tried sleeping naked and while it’s enticing in some ways, she runs into the problem where if you sleep in one position for a while and then you happen to turn over, the space on the bed to which you are shifting is uninhibited and therefore much colder than your current temperature. She’s going to do further research via buying different sheets – cotton happens to be more temperature friendly all over. I know this because I slide all over my bed and I’ve never run into the problem of waking up in the middle of the night because I accidentally landed on a cold spot.

  1. As a girl, you forfeit the ability to validate your multiple pajama purchases.

Contrary to the point I’ve made earlier where you don’t need to purchase pajamas if you choose to sleep naked, as a girl you may find yourself buying all that shit anyway. Pajamas can be very cute and you constantly tell yourself that you’ll end up using them while you lounge around the house or take them with you to a sleepover. You never do though. It just sits there taking up room, looking pretty inside your drawers in constant darkness for no one to see.

  1. Surprise visits from aunt Flow are even less appreciated in the middle of the night when you’re naked.

No one likes getting their period, unless there’s a specific “thank god I’m not pregnant” situation involved. Getting your period in the middle of the night is the worst. You don’t know of its arrival until after you wake up all bloody in the morning. Sure, perhaps you’re a light sleeper and your bleeding body might wake you up in the middle of the night, but there’s a 50 percent chance of that happening. Pajamas act as a layer between you and your bed. Subtract the pajamas and you get a bloody mattress as well.

  1. Open door policy can get pretty tricky.

Weather you have roommates or babies, sleeping naked becomes a bit of a problem. One or the other is bound to storm into your room and see you at your most vulnerable. You can lock your door if you live with roommates, but you can’t do that when you have children. What if they’re hungry or drowning in the toilet? You have to be able to hear them and be constantly at their beck and call. Adulting is hard enough as it is. Doing so naked is trickier.

To summarize, given the above reasoning it makes sense to leave the nakedness behind and embrace the pajamas. I will do no such thing. I let logic win often enough as it is. Not this time. I think I’ll go take a naked nap now.

So you’re Thinking of Selling your Stuff on Ebay?

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Spoiler Alert – it’s NOT that simple. But before I really get into the reasons as to what exactly can make one’s life selling their unwanted belongings via world known amazing/inviting/colorful creation that goes by the name EBAY, so miserable, I must warn you – I’m about to get real sexist up in this bitch.

However, it’s not all about how much women suck as consumers when it comes to shopping on eBay. It’s a big part, which I intend to elaborate on later, but there’s certainly more to it than that. Also before you get all judgy on me for the sexist talk, you should know that I’m going full force against my own kind here, which is painful enough already so cut me some slack.

First and foremost let’s get China out of the way. They somehow manage to sell stuff across the globe for .99 cents with free shipping and they’re still in business. Perhaps their sweatshops are doing wonders, I don’t really know. I’d like to focus on sales within the US with normal shipping costs, human interaction that doesn’t involve jumbled google translator and delivery time frames that fall somewhere within the month.

So let’s take a look at what you’ll be dealing with, shall we?

  1. FINDING A STEAL – This guy I met once told me he bought a pair of glasses on eBay for just $2, and he was so excited about it like he screwed the system or something. But then he goes like “Plus $15 shipping”…. Ummmmm.. Really.. So then you didn’t buy the glasses for $2, you bought them for $17!.. That’s literally one in a million though. Most humans with a brain and possession of The Logic incorporate the shipping cost into their final price, making that the seller’s number 1 obstacle in obtaining a profit from the items for sale.
  2. FEES AND SUCH – The buyer is looking at the price of the item & the shipping cost. That’s how much they’re paying for whatever used/unused item they think they want. That’s all they see and that’s all they care about, justifiably so. The seller however doesn’t have a magical Chinese fairy that ships everything for free, so that shipping cost actually goes toward the cost of shipping the item. Now PayPal, eBay’s estranged cousin takes a share because they’re the reason you were able to exchange money with a stranger via the internet, safely. And let’s not forget about the mastermind behind the operation – eBay – that inevitably takes a cut because the entire transaction wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for their existence. After all the fees, what are you left with? Not much.
  3. ACTUAL SHIPPING COSTS – As you can imagine, boxes, packages and packing tape don’t appear out of thin air. Time spent on trips to the post office and standing in line to ship packages isn’t free either because as I’m sure you’re well aware of – time is money. So is gas by the way. It’s very common to hear from an eBay buyer that they’re not in a rush for something and they just want to pay for First class shipping instead of priority. That’s great. You’re not in a rush, you don’t want to spend the extra couple of bucks for priority shipping that I can master from my home because the USPS is kind enough to provide me with free packaging materials when expedited shipping is involved. But no no, you’re in no rush.. So I’ll just go ahead and take my ass to the post office then, stop by the gas station -$5, then CVS to pick up some packing tape -$3, pay for the actual packaging-another $2, and ship your $10 dress for $3 instead of $6 that I could have done from home. Yeah, I’ll get right on that! I live and breathe to waste my time and money so you could have your dress that you’re in no rush for.
  4. TIME IS MONEY – This alone needs a slight elaboration. Aside from spending the time to ship the item once it’s actually purchased, let’s not forget how much time it takes to actually list said item for sale. Sure you can snap one picture and say two words about it, but let’s face it; that only works for something along the lines of an Xbox or something. More often than not, especially with clothing, all kinds of shit is involved – measurements, details, caring instructions, angles, you name it. Taking all those pictures, uploading them, measuring all that shit and writing a detailed description for each and every one of those items to avoid any and all possible annoying questions (an area that I still very much plan to enlighten you about) is ultimately not worth the effort.
  5. THE HAGGLERS – This is where I get sexist. Men just don’t do that! They don’t do it in person and they don’t do it online. Period. They see something, they like it/want it/must have it – they get it. They don’t care for it – they move on. Women on the other hand…. No matter how little in the case of usual eBay circumstances you price an item for – not because it’s not worth MUCH more than that mind you, but because you just want to get rid of it at that point – there will always be that one person that will private message you with requests to buy it for less. Bitch! This ain’t a flea market! You didn’t just stumble upon a garage sale! I mean seriously, what is with these people? It seems as though they’re not after saving money merely because they can’t afford it. If they couldn’t afford it, they wouldn’t be “shopping” in the first place. It’s more about the thrill – the idea that they’ve pulled a fast one on somebody.
  6. THE CREEPERS – These go hand in hand with the hagglers. I have yet to decipher a distinct line between where one ends and the other begins. On one hand, it is almost always the hagglers, aka the women who also happen to ask way too many questions. You can include anything and everything in the listing – the material breakdown, the inseam measurements, the rise measurements, the measurements lying down flat along with the actual size of the item – and they’d still be like “what’s the depth of the pocket on the left thigh? How many inches deep?… Come on. Are you TRYING to annoy me or are you just naturally good at it? You’re looking to buy a pair of jeans for less than twenty dollars (shipping included!). You’re not buying a house. You’re not buying a car. You’re not buying a baby. Relax thyself…. Oh but it gets worse.. And quite frankly this is where the line gets really blurry. I literally had a person ask to me to send them additional pictures of 1) me wearing a skirt that was for sale, 2) occasions said skirt was worn at and 3) why I’ve decided to sell the skirt. At first I was like alright, you’re just another annoying bitch that has nothing to do but request the entire family tree of a skirt and all of its ancestors. Then a friend of mine pointed out that it could very well be a dude with a sick fetish for silk skirts by Marciano that scopes the internet in hopes of finding gullible yuppies that would send them weird descriptive info… and pictures and stuff.. Yuck!
  7. THE AFTERMATH – Last but not least there’s the question of your eBay member good standing which is broken down to feedback and rating – The two things you have least control of. People who buy your stuff can either be honest, generous, silent, or malicious and negative for no reason whatsoever. On one hand, even if they give you a negative feedback which you can’t dispute – who cares – it’s just a website where you sell unwanted stuff. On the other hand it hurts your chances of other people buying your unwanted stuff. Not to mention, customer service tends to be on the consumer’s side rather than the seller’s, so there’s that. Welcome to corporate America!

All in all, selling shit on eBay is a pain in the ass. My only advice is stop buying so much shit. Then you won’t feel the need to get rid of it. And knowing human nature, not wanting to give it away for free, therefore feeling the need to sell it instead of donating it, therefore turning to eBay, you won’t have to cause yourself the stress which is sure to be accumulated due to the reasons mentioned above. You’re welcome.

ONE WORD: LETITGO

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There are plenty of things in the household and other places that generally have a good threshold for being used again and again. And by things I mean actual things, and by other places I don’t mean the red light district. Zip lock bags for example are reusable. Assuming of course you’re not putting something super gross in there and keeping it in the attic under a blanket or something. You can easily wash a zip lock bag and use it multiple times. Same goes for plastic containers. As long as it has a lid and remains functional, meaning keeps the inside nice and sealed, it’s perfectly okay to wash and reuse a plastic container. However, when your container starts to chip around the sides and holes and cracks start appearing, that’s when you need to be like, okay I’ve gotten as much use out of this thing as possible, it’s time to say buh bye.

There are few things that should be on that list. Most are on the other list. It’s called “Are you friggin kidding me? You should definitely get rid of that shit” List.

  1. TIN FOIL – I was at my friend’s house the other day and I witnessed a tin foil covered with cheese and all kinds of gunk being taken out of the oven in order to be disposed of, as another person exclaimed that we shouldn’t in fact dispose of it because it’s still good and you can definitely cook over it and who cares. Dude. No. You use it as a liner to catch food particles as they fall/drip off whatever it is that you’re baking. After the process is done, food particles in question need to go in the garbage where they belong along with all the other perishables. Don’t pretend like you’re being conscious of the environment or even trying to save money. It’s just tin foil. You can get that shit at the dollar store.
  2. PLASTIC WRAP – Same story here. It’s neither super expensive nor hard to get. This isn’t communist Russia, you don’t have to stand in line for plastic wrap and toilet paper in hopes of maybe there being some left when you reach the counter. If you find yourself wrapping a lot of products and frequently, then maybe you should invest in something like zip lock bags. Or you can always invest in some children. They’ll eat all your shit so fast that wrapping things for later will be a distant memory.
  3. SANITIZED HAND WIPES – Those wonderful little wet things that you pull out of a container which is very conveniently designed to have a lid which opens and closes with just a snap are quite convenient. They work better than the gel sanitizer and they’re not as messy. You just wipe your hands with a towel like you normally would after washing your hands. Except that this time, said towel is not only doing the drying but it’s also doing the washing. What a concept! The problems begin when you start thinking that you can use those wash cloths again and again. Just because you only used it on a very small area and you think you should be able to get more out of it, doesn’t mean that you actually can. It’s in a sealed box for a reason. Once you take it out of the box, its moisturizing abilities will evaporate and no longer be there. Now you’re just wiping yourself with a dry napkin. Throw that shit out after first and only use.
  4. TAMPONS – I didn’t think that re-using a tampon was something that anyone would ever think of doing or assume that other people do. I was wrong. When the mentioned friend from earlier wanted to save the gross cheesy tin foil from the stove, I brought up the used tampon as an example. If you take out a tampon and let’s just say aunt flow wasn’t terribly moody that day and decided to only grace you with a couple of spots instead of a whole river, would you then think to yourself “Hmmm, looks like I didn’t get the most use out of this guy, maybe I’ll just shove it back in there for another day”, would you? And instead of getting grossed out like any other man does when Period Talk starts, he was like “I’m sure you girls do that shit all the time”. I just want to set the record straight. We DO NOT do that. We do not shove used tampons back into our vaginas.

The point of this article is self-explanatory. There’s a line between “use it again” and “throw it the fuck out”, and that line isn’t blurry at all so put your goggles on and recognize it.