Single is the new black… The boobs are always bigger on the other side… So many options, so little time… Whichever way you look at it, there doesn’t seem to be a clear, cut throat, most obvious way to go. Unless you’re lucky enough to go back to Pleasantville, nothing is black and white.
Being in a relationship is great. You get to validate your phone plan’s ability to send and receive an unlimited amount of cute little text messages about the nothingness that so greatly describes the details of your day… All the phone calls filled with adorable silences as you listen to each other breathe, suddenly become justified. You don’t have to have a reason to dial the person’s number. They’re your significant other and they signed up to listen to your chatter at any given time of day when they agreed to be exclusive with you, just as much as you agreed to support them in every and all dreams and aspirations that may come along.
There’s always someone to wish good morning and good night to, and you no longer have to handle your Netflix addiction solo because you’ve got your partner in crime joining you on the couch. So you wrap yourself in your security blanket which is probably accompanied by a cat for purrfect cuddlez and you drift away into Couple’s Paradise. Eventually you get tired of lugging your personal belongings and change of clothes back and forth, so you do the obvious, and move in together. Now you get to save on rent, do shopping together, cook dinner together (Yay! Fun!), drink wine together, fall asleep together, wake up to each other’s faces every day, together. Then you’ll probably be like “Hey, I’m tired of Fluffball watching us having sex every time. Let’s get him a friend!” So you get a puppy… Now you have paw prints with both Meow and Woof on your doormat to demonstrate how totes adorbs you are. Soon enough, that becomes not enough and you decide to further develop your clan by reproducing naturally. (I’m skipping the wedding bells here because I feel it would be too big of an “insert” since it’s clearly a category big enough on its own). So now that you’re popping out babies, you finally get to put your scrapbooking skills to use and that camera that you bought for your travels that you never got to cease, can make its way out of the closet and finally do some damage control. Every second now is a chance to take a beautiful picture of your gorgeous baby and there’s only 86400 seconds in a day so you better get cracking.
With that, a different kind of fun begins. There’s no longer time for Netflix and lazy evenings by the fireplace splitting a bottle of wine with your “Bae”. Your furry friends are now feeling neglected because your main concern is to make sure that your clones grow up with better views on life as you will sooner die than recreate your parents’ mistakes. “When I have kids, I will never do so and so…” You’re so amazingly bright at 17 when life seems so discriminating that you make it a goal of yours to never treat your kids as unfairly as your parents treat you…….. I feel like I have to put extra “…….” here to emphasize the ridiculousness of that statement. I’d also like to point out the level of hypocrisy that is going to take place when you “grow up” and unleash your views on first your younger siblings, and then your offspring. It’s almost always inevitable. But hey, you and your partner get to both put suggestions in the “Major Decisions” jar, and it’s probably going to be fun sifting through them, deciding to pick the best ones. And you thought agreeing on colors of the walls was tough…
Seems somewhat black and white doesn’t it? Seems like a template that everyone follows blindly? Ehh, it is and it isn’t. It’s a whole new world! Nothing is what it seems and while some people follow the traditional ways, others choose to lead their life more unconventionally.
I find it hard to choose one or the other. Both sides bring such compelling arguments. On one side, you have these mystical scenarios for perfect relationships coming true and making sense. I adore the idea of an old fashion lifestyle. Big happy family with eight kids, three dogs, a cat, enormous backyard and parents that die of old age, holding hands Notebook style. On the other side you have the more common scenarios of today’s generation filled with experimental stages, drunken mishaps, poor decisions, engagements that last longer than reasonable, unnecessary mind games and other retardation. I’m not saying that any of that is appealing to me. I am however saying that it is that world, today’s world, the world that is the opposite of the old fashion world that happens to be very comfortable and expects very little of you. It allows you to be selfish and alone, and to like it. It pains me to admit it that I like it. It PAINS me because ultimately, I look at the formula of LIFE, and I’m like, hey, this is logical, this makes sense, I want that… and yet… I’m still like EHHHHHH … Come to think of it, that’s a lot of work. I’d rather be selfish and do things that make sense right here and right now and for MEEEEEE….
So, for all you non-cynical assholes out there, unlike me, if you can make your relationships work and achieve life’s greatness with someone by your side, all the power to you. I’ll stay here, on the dark side and eat my cookies.
Why? One word. Organizedchaos. Everything is where is it needs to be and no one is there to judge me for it. No I don’t have too much stuff for my hair and face in the bathroom. Yes, I have “enough” of lotions and face masks. No, that hair brush isn’t the same as the other three in my pretty wicker basket under the sink. Yes that wicker basket serves a different purpose than my 4 other baskets in the closet… No I don’t need you to combine the 5 different hair conditioners into one bottle to save space! Each and every one of those has a purpose and you just don’t understand because you shave with your shampoo and you wash your hair with soap… Sure all that may seem trivial, but it adds up.
Then there’s the cuddling. Who doesn’t love cuddling? Love cuddling. Until you’re cuddling me so hard that you’re choking me. Come on now, you’ve done the diligence. You’ve shown your interest. We had sex, you choked me, I bit you, you smacked me, I spit on you, you hugged me, it’s beautiful, now move on over to the other side of the bed and let me sleep in peace. Thanks. Honesty, right?? You can’t say that though! Because that’s mean… What do you mean you don’t want to hold me all night long? But honey bunches, but bumble cakes, but but but… But I want you with me, next to me, to be a part of me all day every day….. But but but… get the fuck off of me and move over! You’re suffocating me with your love…
Can’t forget about the grooming… If you’re with someone, you probably shape things up down there. Whether your lover likes a little bit of hair or a lotta bit of hair, it requires some sort of maintenance regardless. Guess what, when you’re single, no maintenance required. You feel like shaving your arm pits today? Go for it! Not feeling it? No biggie! The only person that matters in that decision making process is you! Same goes for food shopping and food consuming. Same goes for everything really. It’s so much easier to control everything around you when you’re the only one making decisions. No one is going to ask you what time you’ll be home. No one is going to tell you that they’re tired of your mashed potatoes. No one is going to nag you about anything. No one is going to hog the remote control. No need to have the conversation about whether or not you want to keep the TV on when you go to bed or off, because one person likes silence and the other person can’t sleep without background noise. No one is going to wake you up with sexual requests. Don’t get me wrong, morning sex is great… But on MY time. Sleepy time is important time and the selfish beast shall not be bothered with the lovey dovey nonsense unless it is initiated during appropriate time frames. Must dig deep into selfish beast’s brain to retrieve allotted time frames as they are not available in the common sense category.
So there you have it. Selfish Life versus Patient Love. Some of us pick one and stick to it, and others dart in between the two relying on the intricate, constantly changing reasoning our minds provide us with.