I’m Too Old For This S***


Age is nothing but a number. That’s what we tend to say when we want to justify our actions. It’s most commonly seen in situations where we choose to date someone significantly younger or older than us. “So what?” we say to ourselves; it doesn’t matter that we’re three decades apart, what matters is how we feel inside. There is some truth to that logic, don’t get me wrong. For example, when a seventy five year old man says he feels thirty five, I believe that. I see him working out every day and he’s in better shape than I was at twenty. Excuse me, but when a hot young blonde marries a geezer because “they’re in love”, I call bullshit.

So where does one draw the line? How old is too old? It does have a bit of an umbrella thing going on so it would have to cover a few things. For instance, the line for “too young” has been drawn. There is a drinking age, driving age, and let’s not forget about those over developed fifteen year olds that walk the streets of the 21st century causing statutory rapes and whatnot. Sorry, “Age is nothing but a number” won’t fly in court. Perhaps there isn’t and will never be an official solid line for how old too old is. Perhaps all we can do is rely on “the feeling” and our so called “better” judgement in this case. I for one constantly find myself in situations that Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon finds himself in, and yet for some reason my life keeps casting me in these sequels that no one cares for. So here’s the breakdown of my very own “I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT” Series.

  1. HE SAID/SHE SAID – Also known as middle school bullshit that quite frankly instead of staying in middle school where it semi belongs, travels into the homes and lives of most adults. Rumors, tales and misconstrued information – Aint nobody got time for that! Well actually, people get pretty crafty when it comes to finding time for talking shit. It’s not like it takes a lot of effort or energy or anything. You don’t have to stand in line to express your opinions or “findings”.. You don’t even have to know what you’re talking about; you can just make things up as you go. I can’t think of anyone I know personally that doesn’t partake in the shit talking activity, myself included. We’re all guilty of it, it’s just a matter of how much – taking a candy from the store without paying for it vs blowing up the whole damn store to the ground kind of thing. I’m definitely too old to be walking around blowing shit up and out of proportions.
  2. ALL-NIGHTERS – There used to be a time when I would be able to drink all night, never go to sleep, watch the sun rise from an abandoned rooftop, then pop into a coffee shop and go straight to work – same clothes and all. Granted I had the luxury of wearing whatever to work back then, including hooker heels and slip on dresses, but that’s beside the point. I remember having loads of energy and the ability to just constantly keep going. The energizer bunny had nothing on me. Now? I don’t stand a chance against that long eared prick. I can’t pull an all-nighter even without the drinking; I need my sleep to function. Getting old here, yo.
  3. SLEEPOVERS – Same thing. I can’t tell you how many different places I found myself waking up in the morning. The conditions in which to sleep in didn’t matter back then. Don’t try and scare me with your loveseat. I can manage with half of my body on the cushions and my head on the adjacent floor and not only sleep in that position until ungodly hours of the day but also wake up with no signs of back pain or neck strains. Correction – could. Now? Forget it. Sleeping in conditions that are less than perfect takes a serious toll on my operating abilities during the day. Don’t get me wrong, a random sleepover will still slip through the cracks every now and then; too much to drink; too far to drive; I’m on vacation so fuck it, etc. But ultimately, I’m way too old for sleepovers. I would much rather sleep at home on my super comfortable bed with my amazing pillow, both of which I am in a long and serious relationship with. We belong together.
  4. ROOMMATES – I’ve done the roommate thing several times, with both pleasant and horrific outcomes. Having a roommate certainly has its advantages – Cheaper rent and someone to keep you company on a Sunday night or whatever. The list ends there for me. I need to feel comfortable in my home, and if feeling comfortable requires me to walk around naked or make myself an elaborate snack at 2 in the morning then I want to be able to do that without being concerned about disturbing the peace of another person living two feet away from my kitchen. I also like to keep things clean, organized and stocked. Not having the power to control what your roommates’ hands and mouths consume without replenishing isn’t something I’m particularly fond of in a living situation. I’m too old to deal with other people’s whining and their random guests. I’m also too old to clean the hair off the bathroom floor that’s not my own. When you live alone, that problem is non-existent. The only standards you have to live up to are your own and the only person responsible for making any sort of mess is yourself so you can’t even get mad.


Of course there’s always a possibility of yet another sequel but let’s face it, the gist is pretty much covered. Anything else would be redundant. Bottom line is there comes a time when you just can’t do certain things anymore, but unlike with “too young”, official limits can’t be set. So do your thang while you can. One day you’ll wake up and be like “Fuck. I’m too old for this shit”.

The Ultimate Hypocrite


There’s a thin line between love and hate. We say we “love” in regards to some of the most inane things and people imaginable. We say we hate some of the most ridiculous things out there. We hardly ever even think about whether or not we truly mean it when we say it.

How many times have you seen girls be all like “Omg, you’re the best, I love you!!”… But you know damn well that they don’t “love” said person at all. How many times have you heard someone say “I hate you” and yet it doesn’t mean they hate you at all? .In fact in some instances, it means they like you??

“Say what you mean and mean what you say”. I’m usually a hardcore advocate of this saying: That’s why ever since the whole “colloquial meaning” of the word ‘literally’ changed to appease the public, I’m even more skeptical of… Well, everything. Fuck that noise. Love means love. Hate means hate. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Wait a minute… I’m just as guilty as the next guy! Entering hypocrite stage… Words are just words and we assign whatever meaning we choose to assign to them. That’s how language came around in the first place. And it’s constantly changing for that very reason. Don’t get me wrong, the whole “literally” debacle still irks me beyond belief. But I definitely misuse other words. I can hate my parents for the so called injustices but it doesn’t mean I hate them…. I can love my friends for being awesome and hate them the very next second for being predictable and selfish at the same time.

So who’s to say what love is? Who’s to say what hate is? Can’t we just agree on the fact that it’s whatever we feel super strongly about in that very moment whether it’s positive or negative? I feel like that’s what it all comes down to.

Here are some things I love, genuinely so… I love sunsets and sunrises, assuming my lazy ass is getting up at 5am to see one. I love coffee. Sometimes it’s sweet and creamy, and sometimes it’s black and strong. I like my coffee how I like my… Women. Ha! Just kidding. I love rain… When it’s my day off and I have the option to stay in bed, under my blankets, naked, instead of driving in it, accompanied by a bunch of retards. Then I hate the rain. Also hate when rain makes other people stay at home while I’m bartending for an empty restaurant. See how that works out? I love driving… Love it regardless of long distance or short, stick shift preferably, but naturally only when it’s just me and the road, when I’m not stuck behind an ass wipe, that’s either too scared of the speed limit or too scared of the weather. I haaaaaaaaate when people drive too slowly in the fast lane when there’s NO traffic. I also hate when there’s traffic for no reason other than people slowing down because there are cops on the side of the road, not just chilling there waiting for you to break the rules mind you, but currently busy with something else; an accident perhaps or pulling someone else over for whatever reason. Why are you slowing down to stare at “the situation” that’s taking place? How much are you gonna see, REALLY? Whyyyyyy are you reducing speed, obviously so? He’s too busy for you! You’re better off speeding past them than anything else but no, you’re gonna slow down, causing everyone behind you to slow down for no reason whatsoever. I hate you.

I hate people. I hate people that lack common sense. Which is funny cause here I go being a hypocrite again. You see, sadly, common sense isn’t that common! Who’s to say what is and what isn’t common, what does or what doesn’t make sense? Something that makes sense to 10 people may make the eleventh person go like ACTUALLY, it makes more sense to do it this way… And they might be right!

A long time ago it was a common belief that the world was flat. And this one asshole thought it wasn’t. So everyone was like screw you asshole, you’re wrong, because there’s this many of us and you’re one. And they’d ostracize him just for being an outcast and having a different idea from everyone else. And this asshole was right all along.

And still, that kind of mentality stands today and will probably always be around… You hear “That’s just common sense” on almost a daily basis in a work environment when it comes to nitwits who make silly mistakes.

As much of an advocate as I am for common sense, I’m just as much of an advocate for constant change and introduction of new ideas. As much as I love change and constant “evolution”, I fucking hate change because it takes me out of my comfort zone!

Ladies and gentlemen, hypocrite at their finest, thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all night.


Handling Tinder


Tinder – Ugh. Am I right?

Between Tinder and Grinder alone I think we have a reason for the civilization’s miserable demise. Swiping left and right, looking for the perfect match to fuck on a Friday night – gross. “Oh I’m not on here for dates, I’m here to make friends” – Fuck off! “I don’t like that people are objectifying me” – Double Fuck off! Take your tits off your profile picture then.

On the off chance that you are actually an innocent little wallflower and you’re on Tinder to “network” or whatever, I guess this is a semi decent way of handling those who clearly don’t have the right idea of what the app is for.

This girl found a way to channel her creativity via drawing semi embarrassing naked pictures of nitwits’ that approach her, displaying their ugly morphed penises along with the words they chose for their sexual advances, and posting them on Instagram. I don’t know if I would call this way of dealing with Tinder “amazing” per se, but you gotta give credit where credit is due.

It’s somewhat entertaining to scroll through these little sketches. You just imagine the poor schmucks sitting in their parent’s basement jerking their wieners, browsing hot chicks. Oh the humanity.

Diet or Do IT


Diets are no fun. You’re constantly denying yourself the things that you want and love; never knowing if you’re going to break or actually be able to stick it out. Not to mention, they don’t work long term because no matter how much weight you lose eating nothing but cabbage soups and shit, you’re going to gain it all back once you’re semi happy with your appearance and “reward” yourself with that cheeseburger you’ve been craving.

If you’re going to resort to your old ways once you’re done with a diet, it’s basically pointless to go on it in the first place. That’s why those who know better go for the “changing your lifestyle” thing rather than dieting. Regular exercise and making generally healthier choices in regards to what you put in your mouth is the only true way to go in order to achieve and keep the desired weight and figure. While that method is much more effective, it’s also much less fun than your average diet; mainly because diets end and a lifestyle keeps going, so it’s pretty much the same constrictions and restraints, times infinity.

If you’ve decided to lose weight, be prepared for your patience to be challenged.

  1. You can’t lose weight sitting on the couch.

Contrary to lots of infomercials out there, you have to actually work hard to lose weight. Strapping a vibrating belt on your belly while you Netflix and Chill with a bag of chips, isn’t going to make you skinny. Before you dial the number on the screen you should probably open the door. You let Common Sense out and forgot to let it back in.

  1. Pills are dangerous; some more than others.

It’s tempting to look for a quick fix instead of taking the long route of working out and generally eating better. You might even go online searching for a “healthier” supplement alternative to help you lose weight. Reality check – there isn’t one. Herbal or not, they’re all bad.

  1. Pills that suppress your appetite so that you don’t eat as much don’t fix anything in the long run. Your body is much smarter than you are – first it’s going to go into shock mode due to not receiving as much food as it’s used to; then immediately it’ll go into starvation mode during which the metabolism will slow down. Your body doesn’t want to use up all of its resources; you’re not feeding it as regularly as you used to so it’s basically scared because it doesn’t know when it’s going to get its next meal. So it enters survival mode causing your plan of losing weight by not eating as much to burst into flames seeing as how you’re not in standby mode with no actual progress in the weight loss department in the foreseeable future. Not to mention these types of pills are really bad for your heart, and that for one is a risk I’m not willing to take.
  2. Alternatively, you have the “healthier” pills that supposedly have no effect on your heart. They merely make you shit out everything you put in your body much faster and much more often – chalk it up to a minor inconvenience or acknowledge it as a major health risk? It’s basically bulimia with a different exit strategy but the same result. Your body isn’t retaining the fat but it’s also not retaining any nutrients which live in that fat. Instead of shedding the bad fat through exercise and a healthy eating plan, you’re shitting ALL the fat through your asshole.
  1. Just DO IT.

Just set your mind to it and do it. Eat smaller portions, more frequently throughout the day. Do that which you already know you should do but haven’t been able to. Believe it or not, there’s life after bread and sugar. I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy task; I’m saying the opposite. It’s going to be especially hard if your starting point is very far from your goal. Whether it’s general health or physical image or both, you probably won’t see results for a while. Immediate gratification isn’t something that goes hand in hand with starting a healthy lifestyle. This may make you feel discouraged in the beginning. You must ignore those feelings and just keep going. The results are hiding under layers of fat that you’ve acquired and it’s up to you to break up that fat, complete the challenge and get to those results safely.

It takes patience and dedication to properly lose the desired weight. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts to a healthy living and a good looking body. There’s only hard work, dedication and discipline. The options are there. The choice is yours.


The Hidden Magic Behind Tired Pickup Lines


Whether on the receiving or the pitching end, we’ve all been there.. I myself, being a woman and all, have heard it all, as far as pickup lines go. Well, maybe not all, I mean there’s always more… But I’ve heard enough to know that I’ve heard too many.

Just to name a few: Going from somewhat innocent/lame to borderline inappropriate:

Did it hurt?.. When you fell from heaven?

I lost my number.. Can I have yours?

I love every bone in your body. Especially MINE!

I’m no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight!

Classic and comical as they may be, they don’t even stand near my all-time favorite – “OMG, your name is Anastasia? Like Anesthesia, you make me numb”. The nicer bones in my body prevented me from punching that person in the face and showing them what numb really feels like. Besides, he meant it in the nicest way possible.. Why would I hurt someone that has good intentions and compliments me?

Either way, what it really comes down to when talking about the success rate of pickup lines I believe, is the genuineness of the pick-up line dropper as well as the open mindedness and non-shallowness of the pick-up line receiver.

EXHIBIT A: It’s a Saturday night at a bar. There’s a girl. Presumably she is the hottest girl there and she’s sitting by her lonesome with nothing but her glass of red wine and a cell phone that’s grasping for its remaining bits of power keeping her company. There’s a boy. He’s not easy on the eyes but let’s just say he’s smart and has a great personality. (By the way, just in case you’re wondering why this girl and this boy are chillin’ at a bar, don’t worry.. It’s actually a man and a woman. Boy/Girl just sounded better to me for the sake of a potential love story. I dunno, just go with it). So, this Boy decides to come up to the girl and say something lame like “You come here often?” Let’s face it, that’s the oldest, most unoriginal, most aimless, least successful line of all time. It’s not even a line really if you think about it. It’s not trying to accomplish anything, it’s merely an opener. But let’s just say… Again for the sake of this potential love story, the girl is not a complete asshole and actually indulges the fella with a response! And oh my, what follows, if you can imagine they actually have a … Conversation!

EXHIBIT B: Same setup.. Except instead of drinking wine, let’s say she’s drinking a pina colada.. This one isn’t a badass bitch who happens to be open minded. She’s just a regular, soulless hot girl. So needless to say when our nerd approaches her with the very same “pick-up line”, her response is something similar to that of a dismissal, possibly accompanied by an uninterested snarl. We don’t like this girl. She is what you often refer to as a “See You Next Tuesday” if you know what I mean.

EXHIBIT C: Let’s switch up the setup a little bit. Same hot girl is sitting by herself. For the sake of keeping things interesting, she’s drinking a Manhattan and instead of a phone she has a book. Our guy is different too. He is no longer an awesome, rough around the edges nerd. He is now a good looking, self-important prick. He’s a stud and he knows it so he doesn’t even think twice about approaching the lady. “May I buy you a drink?” he says. She kindly declines, pointing to her ¾ full Manhattan and resuming her reading. He apologizes for disturbing her and walks away. Whether he does so because he respects her decision or because he’s too lazy to pursue anything further as he’d rather move on to his next prey that’s much easier to “capture” doesn’t matter, because the result is the same.

EXHIBIT D: Same setup. Except this time, the guy doesn’t have a clue. “Can I buy you a drink?” he says. She kindly declines of course, pointing to her Manhattan indicating that she already has a drink and making an attempt to return to her book. He doesn’t let up however. He doesn’t care that she’s got other activities going on. As far as he’s concerned, he’s the only important thing in her radius and she should be responding to his activations and nothing else. This scenario never goes well. Bouncers get involved, fights happen – it can get pretty ugly.

EXHIBIT E: Same hot girl: Sitting at the same bar. This time she is drinking a dirty Martini. Both her phone and her book are keeping her company. Our nerd friend from the first two exhibits decides to approach her with stumbling attempts of blending “Hi, you come here often?” and “Can I buy you a drink?”. And this chick is cool. She puts down her book and she’s all like “Really? That’s all you got?” And she proceeds to become his best friend/ broski/ wing woman and helps him find the girl of his dreams in the near future by putting him through some severe training and teaching him that The Eye of the Tiger has no boundaries. Or something like that.

EXHIBIT F: Let’s give the hot girl a break, she must be exhausted going back and forth between all those personalities; not to mention drunk and bound to have a major hangover the next day, given the fact that she’s mixing all these liquors. This time The Girl is sitting at the very same bar, with her hair up and her shirt sticking out of her dress pants. A pint of beer is her drink of choice and her phone is silently chillin’ by her side. Our beloved nerd slides up next to her and offers to buy her a beer. She points to the beer in front of her, clearly stating that’s not dying of thirst but suggests that they do a shot instead. And off they go gallivanting into the world of unknown possibilities of falling in love and/or one night stands.

And these are just the first 6 off the top of my head. Obviously there are plenty more variations and scenarios that could possibly take place. The point is it’s hardly ever about the pick-up line itself. It’s about the surroundings and the people that take place during this “pick up line” action. Hope you’re picking up what I’m layin’ down, yo. Shaaawwwtayyyy!

PS. Shouting things at people of opposite gender on the street in an obnoxious manner is not considered a pick up line, nor is it considered anything other than a poor attempt of conducting a mating ritual.



To Sleep Naked or Not to Sleep Naked – That is the Question


I myself find it best to sleep in that which I was originally sleeping in for several months in my mom’s belly – nothing. I don’t believe that sleeping naked puts you in the category of a nudist however – there are plenty of activities I would much rather do with clothes on. Cooking is one of those activities – I can’t even imagine accidentally lighting one of my boobs on fire or getting splattered with hot oil from the frying pan onto my private parts. Shrug.

I have met plenty of people however that would in fact prefer to sleep in clothes. While I stick to my previously stated preference, I can certainly sympathize with their point of view. Having said, here’s the breakdown of all the reasoning on the subject I could think of.


  1. You are one with the bed.

There aren’t any extra layers that keep you from moving whichever direction you want to go. There isn’t anything snagging on the covers preventing them from sliding against your body exactly how you want them to. You are literally one with the bed. You have free reign to slide left and right, even diagonally if you’re feeling adventurous. I have yet to come across a pair of pajamas that wins my heart, and I’ve bought some top notch quality stuff. The shorts rise up your crotch, the pants rise up your leg and you can forget about the baby doll things; they rise all the way up and on top of that if you’re anything like me, the ladies refuse to stay inside a delicate camisole. Who wants to sleep in lacy sexy apparel anyway? All that stuff is just for show and I for one am not about to sacrifice comfort for the sake of being “sexy”. I’m not Eddie Murphy.

  1. More money in your pockets and more space in your drawers.

Everyone has a budget and a lot of people that don’t, probably should. If you can eliminate pajamas from your wardrobe altogether, you’d actually be saving a lot more money than you realize. And let’s not forget about the storage space. Just imagine how much extra room you can have for your endless funny T-shirts.

  1. Your laundry basket doesn’t get filled up as fast.

You wash the clothes that you wear for 8 hours a day so naturally the same logic would apply to the clothes that you wear in bed for on average the same amount of time. Sure you get into them nice and clean and there aren’t any external filthy factors in your bed like there are in the outside world, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t get dirty with use. Same with your sheets, and an even better example your towels – you get out of the shower nice and clean, and wipe yourself with a towel. Even though its sole purpose is to absorb the clean off you, that towel is too going to end up in the laundry bag. So between sheets, towels and every day clothes alone, why add to it with pajamas too? Save that room for clothes you need to wash so you can show them off again and go to sleep naked.

  1. Easy access.

You wake up in the morning next to your loved one, and instead of ruffling through layers of clothes that are probably in all kinds of awkward places, you can just swoop right in there. You’re facing additional road blocks on the way to your happy ending if pajamas are involved. Aint nobody got time for that.

  1. You can use your own body heat to keep you warm better than any layer of clothing.

It’s a proven fact: they used this method during the war to stay warm. Granted, hugging another naked body will probably generate more heat than hugging yourself, but as an experienced self-hugger I assure you, it still works. Just wrap your arms around yourself, and magic warmth will unravel from there.



  1. In case of an emergency, chances of you leaving the house looking decent get slimmer.

Let’s say a natural disaster hits and you don’t have time go and pour yourself a cup of coffee so you can wake up to deal with it properly. It hits, you’re there and you have to escape the building. But oh wait, you’re naked… You don’t have time to go through your drawers to find something to throw on, you’ve got to get your ass out there; the building is on fire! Sure you may have a robe hanging on your door knob for “emergencies” but let’s face it, when you wake up all discombobulated you may even forget that you’re not wearing any clothes and run out there in all your naked glory.


  1. All possible intruders automatically become potential rapists.

Perhaps your luck of living peacefully has run out and a burglar decided to rob your humble abode. Having broken inside the house and having realized that you in fact having nothing worthy of stealing they might just walk away being like “oh well”. But if they see a naked body lying on the bed, they might just be like “Well let’s not make this trip a waste, I might as well just get me some of this” – And then you’re fucked… Literally.


  1. Body heat may be a thing, but it doesn’t transfer that heat to the uninhibited sheets surrounding you.

A friend of mine brought up an interesting point. She says she’s tried sleeping naked and while it’s enticing in some ways, she runs into the problem where if you sleep in one position for a while and then you happen to turn over, the space on the bed to which you are shifting is uninhibited and therefore much colder than your current temperature. She’s going to do further research via buying different sheets – cotton happens to be more temperature friendly all over. I know this because I slide all over my bed and I’ve never run into the problem of waking up in the middle of the night because I accidentally landed on a cold spot.

  1. As a girl, you forfeit the ability to validate your multiple pajama purchases.

Contrary to the point I’ve made earlier where you don’t need to purchase pajamas if you choose to sleep naked, as a girl you may find yourself buying all that shit anyway. Pajamas can be very cute and you constantly tell yourself that you’ll end up using them while you lounge around the house or take them with you to a sleepover. You never do though. It just sits there taking up room, looking pretty inside your drawers in constant darkness for no one to see.

  1. Surprise visits from aunt Flow are even less appreciated in the middle of the night when you’re naked.

No one likes getting their period, unless there’s a specific “thank god I’m not pregnant” situation involved. Getting your period in the middle of the night is the worst. You don’t know of its arrival until after you wake up all bloody in the morning. Sure, perhaps you’re a light sleeper and your bleeding body might wake you up in the middle of the night, but there’s a 50 percent chance of that happening. Pajamas act as a layer between you and your bed. Subtract the pajamas and you get a bloody mattress as well.

  1. Open door policy can get pretty tricky.

Weather you have roommates or babies, sleeping naked becomes a bit of a problem. One or the other is bound to storm into your room and see you at your most vulnerable. You can lock your door if you live with roommates, but you can’t do that when you have children. What if they’re hungry or drowning in the toilet? You have to be able to hear them and be constantly at their beck and call. Adulting is hard enough as it is. Doing so naked is trickier.

To summarize, given the above reasoning it makes sense to leave the nakedness behind and embrace the pajamas. I will do no such thing. I let logic win often enough as it is. Not this time. I think I’ll go take a naked nap now.

So you’re Thinking of Selling your Stuff on Ebay?


Spoiler Alert – it’s NOT that simple. But before I really get into the reasons as to what exactly can make one’s life selling their unwanted belongings via world known amazing/inviting/colorful creation that goes by the name EBAY, so miserable, I must warn you – I’m about to get real sexist up in this bitch.

However, it’s not all about how much women suck as consumers when it comes to shopping on eBay. It’s a big part, which I intend to elaborate on later, but there’s certainly more to it than that. Also before you get all judgy on me for the sexist talk, you should know that I’m going full force against my own kind here, which is painful enough already so cut me some slack.

First and foremost let’s get China out of the way. They somehow manage to sell stuff across the globe for .99 cents with free shipping and they’re still in business. Perhaps their sweatshops are doing wonders, I don’t really know. I’d like to focus on sales within the US with normal shipping costs, human interaction that doesn’t involve jumbled google translator and delivery time frames that fall somewhere within the month.

So let’s take a look at what you’ll be dealing with, shall we?

  1. FINDING A STEAL – This guy I met once told me he bought a pair of glasses on eBay for just $2, and he was so excited about it like he screwed the system or something. But then he goes like “Plus $15 shipping”…. Ummmmm.. Really.. So then you didn’t buy the glasses for $2, you bought them for $17!.. That’s literally one in a million though. Most humans with a brain and possession of The Logic incorporate the shipping cost into their final price, making that the seller’s number 1 obstacle in obtaining a profit from the items for sale.
  2. FEES AND SUCH – The buyer is looking at the price of the item & the shipping cost. That’s how much they’re paying for whatever used/unused item they think they want. That’s all they see and that’s all they care about, justifiably so. The seller however doesn’t have a magical Chinese fairy that ships everything for free, so that shipping cost actually goes toward the cost of shipping the item. Now PayPal, eBay’s estranged cousin takes a share because they’re the reason you were able to exchange money with a stranger via the internet, safely. And let’s not forget about the mastermind behind the operation – eBay – that inevitably takes a cut because the entire transaction wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for their existence. After all the fees, what are you left with? Not much.
  3. ACTUAL SHIPPING COSTS – As you can imagine, boxes, packages and packing tape don’t appear out of thin air. Time spent on trips to the post office and standing in line to ship packages isn’t free either because as I’m sure you’re well aware of – time is money. So is gas by the way. It’s very common to hear from an eBay buyer that they’re not in a rush for something and they just want to pay for First class shipping instead of priority. That’s great. You’re not in a rush, you don’t want to spend the extra couple of bucks for priority shipping that I can master from my home because the USPS is kind enough to provide me with free packaging materials when expedited shipping is involved. But no no, you’re in no rush.. So I’ll just go ahead and take my ass to the post office then, stop by the gas station -$5, then CVS to pick up some packing tape -$3, pay for the actual packaging-another $2, and ship your $10 dress for $3 instead of $6 that I could have done from home. Yeah, I’ll get right on that! I live and breathe to waste my time and money so you could have your dress that you’re in no rush for.
  4. TIME IS MONEY – This alone needs a slight elaboration. Aside from spending the time to ship the item once it’s actually purchased, let’s not forget how much time it takes to actually list said item for sale. Sure you can snap one picture and say two words about it, but let’s face it; that only works for something along the lines of an Xbox or something. More often than not, especially with clothing, all kinds of shit is involved – measurements, details, caring instructions, angles, you name it. Taking all those pictures, uploading them, measuring all that shit and writing a detailed description for each and every one of those items to avoid any and all possible annoying questions (an area that I still very much plan to enlighten you about) is ultimately not worth the effort.
  5. THE HAGGLERS – This is where I get sexist. Men just don’t do that! They don’t do it in person and they don’t do it online. Period. They see something, they like it/want it/must have it – they get it. They don’t care for it – they move on. Women on the other hand…. No matter how little in the case of usual eBay circumstances you price an item for – not because it’s not worth MUCH more than that mind you, but because you just want to get rid of it at that point – there will always be that one person that will private message you with requests to buy it for less. Bitch! This ain’t a flea market! You didn’t just stumble upon a garage sale! I mean seriously, what is with these people? It seems as though they’re not after saving money merely because they can’t afford it. If they couldn’t afford it, they wouldn’t be “shopping” in the first place. It’s more about the thrill – the idea that they’ve pulled a fast one on somebody.
  6. THE CREEPERS – These go hand in hand with the hagglers. I have yet to decipher a distinct line between where one ends and the other begins. On one hand, it is almost always the hagglers, aka the women who also happen to ask way too many questions. You can include anything and everything in the listing – the material breakdown, the inseam measurements, the rise measurements, the measurements lying down flat along with the actual size of the item – and they’d still be like “what’s the depth of the pocket on the left thigh? How many inches deep?… Come on. Are you TRYING to annoy me or are you just naturally good at it? You’re looking to buy a pair of jeans for less than twenty dollars (shipping included!). You’re not buying a house. You’re not buying a car. You’re not buying a baby. Relax thyself…. Oh but it gets worse.. And quite frankly this is where the line gets really blurry. I literally had a person ask to me to send them additional pictures of 1) me wearing a skirt that was for sale, 2) occasions said skirt was worn at and 3) why I’ve decided to sell the skirt. At first I was like alright, you’re just another annoying bitch that has nothing to do but request the entire family tree of a skirt and all of its ancestors. Then a friend of mine pointed out that it could very well be a dude with a sick fetish for silk skirts by Marciano that scopes the internet in hopes of finding gullible yuppies that would send them weird descriptive info… and pictures and stuff.. Yuck!
  7. THE AFTERMATH – Last but not least there’s the question of your eBay member good standing which is broken down to feedback and rating – The two things you have least control of. People who buy your stuff can either be honest, generous, silent, or malicious and negative for no reason whatsoever. On one hand, even if they give you a negative feedback which you can’t dispute – who cares – it’s just a website where you sell unwanted stuff. On the other hand it hurts your chances of other people buying your unwanted stuff. Not to mention, customer service tends to be on the consumer’s side rather than the seller’s, so there’s that. Welcome to corporate America!

All in all, selling shit on eBay is a pain in the ass. My only advice is stop buying so much shit. Then you won’t feel the need to get rid of it. And knowing human nature, not wanting to give it away for free, therefore feeling the need to sell it instead of donating it, therefore turning to eBay, you won’t have to cause yourself the stress which is sure to be accumulated due to the reasons mentioned above. You’re welcome.



There are plenty of things in the household and other places that generally have a good threshold for being used again and again. And by things I mean actual things, and by other places I don’t mean the red light district. Zip lock bags for example are reusable. Assuming of course you’re not putting something super gross in there and keeping it in the attic under a blanket or something. You can easily wash a zip lock bag and use it multiple times. Same goes for plastic containers. As long as it has a lid and remains functional, meaning keeps the inside nice and sealed, it’s perfectly okay to wash and reuse a plastic container. However, when your container starts to chip around the sides and holes and cracks start appearing, that’s when you need to be like, okay I’ve gotten as much use out of this thing as possible, it’s time to say buh bye.

There are few things that should be on that list. Most are on the other list. It’s called “Are you friggin kidding me? You should definitely get rid of that shit” List.

  1. TIN FOIL – I was at my friend’s house the other day and I witnessed a tin foil covered with cheese and all kinds of gunk being taken out of the oven in order to be disposed of, as another person exclaimed that we shouldn’t in fact dispose of it because it’s still good and you can definitely cook over it and who cares. Dude. No. You use it as a liner to catch food particles as they fall/drip off whatever it is that you’re baking. After the process is done, food particles in question need to go in the garbage where they belong along with all the other perishables. Don’t pretend like you’re being conscious of the environment or even trying to save money. It’s just tin foil. You can get that shit at the dollar store.
  2. PLASTIC WRAP – Same story here. It’s neither super expensive nor hard to get. This isn’t communist Russia, you don’t have to stand in line for plastic wrap and toilet paper in hopes of maybe there being some left when you reach the counter. If you find yourself wrapping a lot of products and frequently, then maybe you should invest in something like zip lock bags. Or you can always invest in some children. They’ll eat all your shit so fast that wrapping things for later will be a distant memory.
  3. SANITIZED HAND WIPES – Those wonderful little wet things that you pull out of a container which is very conveniently designed to have a lid which opens and closes with just a snap are quite convenient. They work better than the gel sanitizer and they’re not as messy. You just wipe your hands with a towel like you normally would after washing your hands. Except that this time, said towel is not only doing the drying but it’s also doing the washing. What a concept! The problems begin when you start thinking that you can use those wash cloths again and again. Just because you only used it on a very small area and you think you should be able to get more out of it, doesn’t mean that you actually can. It’s in a sealed box for a reason. Once you take it out of the box, its moisturizing abilities will evaporate and no longer be there. Now you’re just wiping yourself with a dry napkin. Throw that shit out after first and only use.
  4. TAMPONS – I didn’t think that re-using a tampon was something that anyone would ever think of doing or assume that other people do. I was wrong. When the mentioned friend from earlier wanted to save the gross cheesy tin foil from the stove, I brought up the used tampon as an example. If you take out a tampon and let’s just say aunt flow wasn’t terribly moody that day and decided to only grace you with a couple of spots instead of a whole river, would you then think to yourself “Hmmm, looks like I didn’t get the most use out of this guy, maybe I’ll just shove it back in there for another day”, would you? And instead of getting grossed out like any other man does when Period Talk starts, he was like “I’m sure you girls do that shit all the time”. I just want to set the record straight. We DO NOT do that. We do not shove used tampons back into our vaginas.

The point of this article is self-explanatory. There’s a line between “use it again” and “throw it the fuck out”, and that line isn’t blurry at all so put your goggles on and recognize it.

Guilty Obsessions


We all have guilty pleasures in life. For some people, it’s that one piece of chocolate stashed away in the goody drawer that they just have to have. For others, it’s a song. Many of us have that one song that we highly dislike for the lack of a better word, and yet when it comes on, we sing along. I believe it’s because we secretly like it. But because it’s so terrible, we subconsciously choose to block the fact that we like it, and we do it so well, that even we ourselves believe that we hate it. Either way, it’s up there on the classic guilty pleasures list.

My personal guilty pleasure is above and beyond worse than any guilty pleasure out there. I’m almost tempted to call myself an addict, but I won’t just yet. One word – Sale. Who can pass up a good sale? Once in a while it’s okay, but my brain seems to believe that every single sale out there must be attended and everything must be bought. If that doesn’t take place, naturally I’m missing out on the world’s greatest activities. How does one stop this nonsense?

The term “Shopaholic” is a thing nowadays, it seems. I think that’s a cop out honestly. I mean, you can’t control your urges, and all of a sudden you’re a blank-aholic?  No, no honey, own up to your shit, and admit the fact that you’re just plain obsessed. If you don’t buy those sparkly little “adorable” earrings that would go so perfectly with that little clutch you bought at that one sale, a long time ago, that you never wore, guess what, your body isn’t going to go through a physical withdrawal like that of an alcoholic who’s refusing a cocktail after years of drinking for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You’ll be fine.

Now, if you’re swimming in money, by all means… Go nuts. At that point, it doesn’t matter what you call it – addiction, hobby, boredom, etc. Most of us however are on a budget, and from a mathematical point of view, taking advantage of every sale that comes your way, simply makes no sense.

Let’s say you walk into a store, and attack the Clearance rack. Who cares that it’s last season? You’re mainly concerned with the quality of the stuff you’re buying anyway. “Fashion ins and outs are for the rich”, you think to yourself. So you see this awesome shirt – 80%off –Sold! Followed by these amazing pants – $10 – What?! These perfectly lined, with a perfect seam, perfectly fabulous pants, for just $10? “I spend more on breakfast and I’ll never see it again”, you tell yourself. Mind goes into justification mode. Done. Add to cart. Next. Oh! Lipstick – $2. Good lipstick too, must stock up. Let’s get one in every shade. Followed by pretty tank tops and underwear – can never have too many of those… And so on. Next thing you know, you’re at the register, thinking, “So what if I’m spending three hundred dollars? Look at all the stuff I bought! Look at how much money I saved! Plus it’s going on a credit card; I’ll pay it off in no time”.

And then another sale comes along… And another. You can’t pass this up. This is too good. “You’re winning!” – You reassure yourself. “You’re losing!” – Your credit card tells you months later when you’ve racked up thousands of dollars in purchases and hundreds of dollars in interest. And even then you’re like, well, I’m not stupid, I knew what I was doing. That’s the price you have to pay for being able to buy something and enjoy it and not have to pay for it ‘til later. That’s how credit cards work, duh. Except that you didn’t actually enjoy any of it other than the experience itself. You stashed most if not all of your newly acquired stuff away in your closet “until the right occasion” comes along. Now you’re stuck with a million and one more things than you know what to do with.  And now you’re paying interest on it. Good job. You’ve successfully screwed yourself. Here you were thinking that you were taking advantage of a good sale, and the whole time, they were taking advantage of you.

Needless to say, I myself am as guilty as anyone of this nonsense. Still, I refuse to call myself a shopaholic. That’s getting off too easy. Perhaps I’m just an asshole. Maybe I’ll pull a Southpark on this bitch and write a letter to the people responsible for changing the meaning of words, just like they did with “faggot”. At least then, there will be an official title for those with poor money managing skills or lack thereof, as well as inability to think clearly when presented with discount signs.

Girls VS Guys – The Public Restroom Debacle


What is it about public restrooms? Dane cook nailed it back in the day when he was funny. You walk in and it’s like a water park.. Everything is wet! Why is everything always wet?

Is it because people don’t care about turning the water off when it’s not their house? Is it because they’re so drunk, they simply forget? Whatever the case is, the bathrooms are always atrocious.. Now, I’m a girl, so I’m gonna speak for my gender alone, and I have to say – I’m fucking embarrassed for my kind. Girls are so messy! I’ve been to guys’ bathrooms and they’re never as bad as the girls’ bathrooms.. Before you get ahead of yourself and start coming up with reasons as to why I’m in the guys’ restrooms in the first place, I assure you, it’s only because bitches be taking way too long and when I gotta pee I gotta pee.. They’re in there in couples and groups, wiping each other’s vaginas and snorting coke off each other’s navels.. Ain’t nobody got time for that! God forbid you go alone… You always need someone by your side. It becomes a whole production, which if you ask me is completely unnecessary.. But does have its perks…

For example, if you’re in a big place with a group of friends, and you go to the bathroom by yourself, when you come back to the same place you were at, they may not be there anymore.. People relocate. They may be hard to find in a big crowd, depending on where you’re at.. But if you snagged one of them with you, then at least now it’s the two of you looking for the rest of them.. It’s not just you stumbling around like a loser, darting from one corner to another looking for everyone else.

Even so, girls’ restrooms are incredibly misused. Get in, get out – that’s what it was intended for.. It wasn’t intended for a million duck selfies.. It wasn’t intended for endless conversations in the stalls as you pretend to do your business. And yet.. It seems to be its major focus nowadays.. Restrooms are filled with drunk bitches.

Granted, the phrase “once you pop you can’t stop” is usually associated with sex and losing one’s virginity and not being able to get enough, therefore constantly wanting more.. But I’d like to point out that over the years, if not immediately, the saying was heavily applied to alcohol usage as well.. Once you pop your seal, after having consumed lots of beer, and pee, you feel like you can’t stop going to the bathroom. It’s a thing, I swear.

Having said that, girls be drinking left and right and they constantly have to go to the bathroom, If not for selfies then at least to pop a squat over the toilet. That’s fine. Understandable. Girl or guy, a bladder’s capacity is no joking matter. Girls can hold their pee for much longer than guys can.. That information has yet to be proven by scientific evidence. At this point it us a mere speculation.. But still!.. Girls be going to the bathroom much more frequently than guys do.. Why?? I’m afraid the world will never know.

More important question is why are girls’ bathrooms so much messier than guys’?

For the sake of comparison, let’s examine the following. I saw this picture on iFunny once.. And it’s a split photo with a caption underneath each one.. Car vs Room – Girl vs Guy. It basically portrayed that which is most common.. And taking myself out of the equation, it was pretty accurate.

Girl’s room is pristine, neat and organized: Paintings on the wall, clean desk, pillows neatly placed on the bed, maybe even some stuffed animals depending on the “girl’s” age.. Guy’s room on the other hand is a mess. Boxers and socks on the floor. Bed is unmade.. Desk has all kinds of random shit on there.. Waste basket is surrounded by garbage that he failed to make in as he was trying to pretend he was a basketball star…

And then on the side of all that is a split picture of the interior of a car.. A guy’s car is always clean.. It’s his “baby”. You can’t eat in the car. You can’t brush your hair in the car. You’re lucky if you can breathe in the car.. Guys are super careful about their “baby”.. It’s almost like they apply all the energy towards the car that they neglected to incorporate into their room….

And then there’s a girl’s car….. Lip glosses in the center console, receipts in the side of the door. McDonalds bags in the foot space of the passenger seat.. Anything that doesn’t fit is carelessly thrown in the back seat.. And can’t forget about the trunk! It’s full of backup clothes and bathroom supplies and other shit that no one would ever think of needing.. And it’s never a “mess”, no no, it’s always “organized chaos”. Ha!

Based on the room vs car comparison, I thought I’d be able to figure out the bathroom debacle.. I thought it was about the domain.. You keep neat that which you care about most and that where you spend the most amount time. Turns out it’s irrelevant. No matter what gender you are, you spend an equal amount of time in both your car and your room whether you’re entertaining people or traveling to other people’s houses to be entertained. Wink wink. In attempts of trying to connect the “domain” concept of car vs room and the whole BATHROOM concept, I failed miserably. Here’s why it can’t really be compared. Bathrooms are a neutral standpoint. There’s no domain. Technically, no one should give a Fuck because it’s not theirs.. And yet why are guys able to treat it with respect and girls borderline wipe their own shit on the wall? Not literally but close enough.

I can’t tell you how many times I walked into the bathroom of one of my local bars and saw the following.. Toilet paper all over the floor.. Cause God forbid you actually throw it in the toilet… Somehow, there’s always Puke in the SINK.. I’ve seen an apple core inside the toilet! I mean, why? How?? Not to mention Blood on the WALLS! it’s always something… I’m not kidding even a little bit.

I think what it comes down to is that guys are known to take their shit “outside” and handle their messy situations out in the open.. Whereas girls, whether it’s personal business or personal hygiene, would rather handle that shit in the bathroom.. Hyped up on redbull & Violent or stumbling & incoherent, drunk hoes have always fucked up the public restrooms and will continue to do so just because they don’t know any other way. In this case, forget their bedroom or their car as their domain, the public restrooms are their comfort zone and they behave in them just as they would at their most vulnerable. That’s when they care the least. That’s when shit guess down..

And as a final note, I’ll say one thing.. No matter how organized a girl is, I assure you, when she stumbles home drunk, her pants come flying off into one corner, her shirt gets thrown in the opposite direction, and her underwear gets stuck on the a curtain rod somewhere before she passes out blissfully with one of her socks still on just to wake up in the morning to clean up and make her room as pristine as you’re used to seeing it.