I’m late to the party, apparently, but I’ve just found Sellmyfriend.com
And it’s so brilliant in its god-awulness that my day’s been made before I’ve even finished my second cup of coffee. The premise is essentially this: You’ve got a friend who can’t find a lover on their own – or you’re just a hose nose who can’t mindaya damn business, so you go on this site and make a dating profile for them at a price of your choosing to be collected when some rando takes the date – presumably unbeknownst to your bought buddy. Hopefully it’s unbeknownst. ‘cause it’s way worse if you do know, like some scared fifth grader getting your gossipy go-between friend to pass notes and messages to that hot piece of tail in the back of the class who you know is going to play for the NFL in twenty years. (Hi, Ahmad Brooks…. We’ll always have Mrs. Martin’s class…) Except you can’t see that they’re hot. Or even not a serial killer.
But just for kicks, let’s pretend to look at this site seriously:
Did they mix up the price offering of the entrepreneur sitting in Ron Burgundy’s study with that middle dude? What’s going on here? Before judging, I read middle dude’s profile – just to make sure he wasn’t some heir to the Walmart Dynasty or something:
“I am a balanced combination of sensitivity, intelligence,humor, sensuality and attractiveness, with a passionate personality. I am more interested in the mind, heart and spirit of a person and our compatibility more than anything else. But still, there is a physical element there, so we must find each other attractive in all senses not only physical but also mental and emotional. I love to travel and when I do, I like to learn about people’s values and lifestyles, as well as learn about their music, art, architecture, and other aspects of their particular culture. The importance of good communication: it has been said, and I firmly believe, that good communication, or the lack of it, is the reason relationships, and many other things in life, succeed or fail. I have accomplished many things in life, not only professionally”
I’ve read this three point five times now, and I still can’t seem to find the part about your spooge holding a fountain of youth serum. $20 grand? Really? Did your mother you still live with post this for you? But who knows. As I’m still minus the pro-baller I’ve known since fifth grade (possibly more so because I hate football), you can’t listen to my advice on more old school wooing tactics. Because even if this site does fail to unite soulmates via cyberspace (do people still use that word? I feel like nobody uses that word anymore…), I can see at least a few purposes this thing could serve.
1. PARTNER IN CRIME
You’re in on it together with someone. The two of you have profiles up and you split the money, as each of you take turns taking one for the team. (Bonus: if you’re Lucy doing this with your Ricky, it’ll make you both closer to each other because you’re doing something sneaky together. It’s like porking outdoors on a rooftop, wondering when you’ll get caught. Plus, it’ll also make the other person appreciate what they have because a third party desires them. People always cling tighter to coveted stuff.)
2. ESCORT REVENUE.
You post it yourself. And then, obviously, take the money. And keep telling yourself you’re someone who’d never genuinely sell themselves sexually for a date! Because this isn’t even in the same league as that. Right? Right?! (You could really make a living out of this if you’re hot enough. Or use a fake picture. Or have no soul.)
(Aw, honey. Don’t sell yourself short! I bet you’re far better at whining to a tune.)
It doesn’t matter who puts you online. If someone slaps your image on a hookup site with a profile, suddenly you feel like a celeb sammiched between alien births and talking dog stories in the National Enquirer. I mean, if I’m a company trying to hire you, all it takes is a reverse search on your Facebook profile pic– and boom. “We’re sorry to inform you – you’re too weird in your off-time to get paid by us on your on-time.” #sorrynotsorry
(Bonus points if their Facebook relationship status is now paired with a heart icon, and then you anonymously send this link to their new lover: “I dunno who did this. I mean I’m sure it’s some friend who doesn’t know you’re dating yet – but I thought you should know-…Oh, you’ve been married two years now? Yeesh… Well don’t shoot the messenger. Definitely wasn’t me who did it. Definitely.)
4. VICTIM HUNTING
This is what ten percent of the testimonial section would look like if it were honest:
“So, I’d just gotten home after years of serving with the best buddies a guy could ever have – and I was emotionally exhausted. Mostly because I had to do one of those mandatory neighborhood informative rounds right away “Hi, I’m Bob. Yes, I’ve put my penis in someone who asked me not to. Yes, I’m living next door now.” You know, the usual routi-…Oh, wait, did you think I mean “serving” as in war?
Anyhow, needless to say, I needed to let off a little steam. So, I found Sellmyfriend.com. And I posted a snap of some dude who looks like a lost Kennedy, all GQ’d up with a Hamptons backdrop. Then, she showed up for the date – all pretty and perfumey, dainty and heel clad. Finally, after solo wine glass number five – when she realized she was being stood up – she left. In her disheartened and not-thinking-straight state, it was perfect for me! She totally didn’t notice me follow her home. Bonus? I spent the money I got out of it on bleach when I needed to get her blood, hair, and Chanel No.5 outta my trunk the next week!”
5. SELF ESTEEM FOR THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS
Feeling ugly? Or fat? Is no one treating you like a princess today?
Why not get all gussied up, take a snap, and slap it on here with the going rate for a hottie whose league you think you’re in most days? And wait for the offers to roll in? Don’t take the date or the money, mind you. This is all about the internal spiritual practice of raising your self-confidence based on your appearance alone – ya know – the only thing that matters. So just catalog those offers and refer back to them the next time you’re sat home in sweats, too lazy to leave, and feeling like a bridge dwelling troll. (Just don’t troll yourself – by posting pics from your twenties and tweaking the money listing. If no offers roll in, you may wanna do a bit of f’real soul (and gym and beauty parlor) searching.
It’s a good thing I’m too self-involved to actually apply any of my genius ideas.
But, please – feel free to borrow any of mine.
And then send me your IRL anecdotes on how they played out.