Is chivalry dead? Or has it just got a height requirement now?

Standard

How deep is your love?

If you’re a dude, 3.5 inches.

That would sound like a low bar if I wasn’t talking about men’s standards – and high heels.

Bullshit, says I, of this graph.

I mean at least until I see the actual experiment performed.

‘cause there’re far too many variables here. What I really need to see’s a hidden camera actual account of this whole soche experiment. Because I’ve worn mostly flat shoes for the past year. And ya know what? Some days I’ll get hit on non-stop in muddy kicks post cardio, while others I spend feeling like a creature who’s just emerged from a portal to that place in the Twilight Zone where they all have porcine and duck-billed mugs. With my makeup, hair, and weight all the same (and the heel-less-ness) it baffled my noggin for some time. Why were these experiences so vastly different? It wasn’t till some time later that I realized – it’s not the stuff that’s on me. It is me. If I’ve just gone running, done some yoga, been disarmed by a hilarious conversation, I move like fluid and seem gleeful. Open. Approachable. A smile in my eyes. If I’ve just done a long day of writing in front of a soul sucking screen, I’m anxious. Strange. Stiff. My shoulders sit like earrings – high and hunched – bordering a bewildered Manson-esque expression.

To a rando, I probably look like I’m either jonesin’ for crack rocks or hiding an invisibility ring from some hobbits.

Thus, people look at me as funnily as I probably would too if I saw me.

While for this chick, it depends on what I’ve been doing and where my head’s at – for a lotta people, this transformation’s more completed by what they wear. If you leave the house in unflattering pants, you might feel a little insecure about it all day and be thinking of it in your brain’s background even though everyone around you gives zero point zero shits about your trouser selection or how fat they make your ass look. Likewise, heels can make a low-self-esteemed chick feel empowered. Could she walk with a Monroe wobble and swagger with excellent posture sans the gam augmenters? Could she be equally sexy?

Absolutely. But it’s kinda like the fertility equivalent to a spiritual talisman or reiki crystals. We believe in the heels the way hippies believe in sage burning. (I just like the smell; get off me.) So, when we slip ‘em on, it’s our ovarian Batman costume. Now, I’m a woman! I can vouch for this, in a way. But I can also vouch for the opposite. I never feel more beautiful than when I’m in a state of “jog”. So my sneakers have started to have that same effect on me – slowly but surely. And I’ve seen it in other chicks too. In fact, I have a tomboy-but-very-hetero friend who’s excellent at soccer but shit at walking in elevated soles. We used to go paint the town red, and watching her try to get down the sidewalk in pumps reminded me of the way a Clydsedale sounds combined with the way a Boston Terrier looks walking with booties on his feet. Put her in a pair of cleats, though, and she’s hot as hell. She’s secure in them. Confident. A man would come bring her her fallen glove. But she’d probably kick his ass for touching it. And then all his friends’ too.

So, that’s why I call bullshit on this test.

I wanna see how the chick carries herself as she goes from ballet flats to go-go gadget stems.

Maybe this is an experiment I should do for myself. Anyone own a pair of Google Glasses?

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