BEACH BUMMOFICATION

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First of all, “Beach Bum” is a funny term to begin with. Oddly enough it has little to nothing to do with the amount of butts AKA bums populating the sandy shores. It has more to do with the physical act of being a bum. Urban dictionary provides a wide range of examples from general scumbags to Patrick Swayze in Point Break.

What is a beach bum? A Beach Bum is someone who lives on the streets of Santa Monica, wears a garbage bag and showers in the same water that dances with your genitals when you enter the ocean. Having said that, why is this whole “beach bum” thing so popular among girls nowadays? Could it be because we as humans are generally fond of taking something awful and putting a positive spin on it? I mean take flair jeans for example. What an awful trend! And yet, they’re making a comeback. Everything once old can become new again, if you paint it the right way. In fact, everything that is new has already been done before and will be done again after you’re long gone. Nothing is new. The media force feeds you a certain idea much like ducks are force fed corn meal so you can have fancy foie gras for dinner, and you swallow it like the obedient society’s servant that you are. No.. I’m not going to take the dark, scenic detour, as interesting as it may be (save it for another time). I will stick to the subject at hand. Beach!

Let’s talk about all the things that suck about the beach. But before I do, I’d like to point out that I myself adore the beach and I go there every chance I get, which is rare but perhaps that is why we are able to remain such good friends.  So if all these things about the beach that suck don’t bother you enough to officially stop going there, then it is safe to say that you’ve been bummified and you can now go around posting pictures of your “Beach Bum” selfies proudly and completely aware of what you’re doing instead of following a herd of other instagrammers and facebookers.

  1. BEACH HAIR, DON’T CARELet’s face it, there is nothing good about Beach Hair. Nothing. It’s close to impossible to maintain. Salt is everywhere and joining sand by the hip, it’s taking over and making everything dry and unmanageable. And yet… What do you now see on shelves of supermarkets? That’s right – “Beach Hair” products. Don’t have the time to go down the shore and get dirty? No problem! Just come down to your local CVS and pick up your very own salt in a bottle. Spritz it on and Viola, you now have the look of someone who spent the day at the beach. And don’t forget to pick up that self-tanner on the next shelf over. Oh and next time you’re at the gym which so conveniently provides tanning booths nowadays, bring a bathing suit.. Why settle for a flawless tan when you can have a pretend “I went to the beach and these are my tan lines” thing going on…
  2. GLITTERGlitter is the route to all evil. Sure it looks fun and sparkly but holy damn, does it get everywhere. And you don’t even know how it gets there! God forbid someone gives you a B-day card with glitter on it. Next thing you know, you’re literally pulling glitter out of your ass. And by literally I mean literally. You don’t even have to ingest glitter to make your shit sparkle. It just happens on its own, as if by magic. Except it’s not magic because magic is good and glitter is evil. It is just as evil as BEACH SAND. Yeah I said it. You can shake it off to Taylor Swift all you want, you’re still carrying sand inside your trunk and your living room. I’ve even had sand make its way into the inside of my bathing suit. Like between layers of cloth, like within the actual bathing suit. Much like putting a light bulb in your mouth, it’s easy to get it in but impossible to get out. Sand is EVIL and the beach, my dear Beach Bums, is full of it. You’re spreading the evil! Ever tried having sex on the beach? Yeah that’s pretty much asking for trouble. I mean you don’t even have to spread your legs for the sand to end up in your crotch. What do you think happens when you’re willingly opening up to it? Exactly. Now imagine having sex in a bed of litter. Yeah, have fun spending the rest of your life in the shower. It’s cool though, because by the time you come out of the shower for your 80 year old birthday bash, you’ll match the décor, cause you’ll still be sparkling!
  3. TAN LINES ARE NOT SEXY – I’ve literally had ONE single person ever tell me that tan lines are sexy. That poor sap was in Russia and his reasoning was “it shows that a person went on vacation and it also makes them more humane”… Ehhh? I can be humane and go to the nude beach and not have tan lines protruding through my clothes and fucking up my outfit. Also if you’re wearing different bathing suits over the course of several beach/tanning/vacation/whatever sessions, you’re bound to look like you belong to a tribe of some sort. All the tan lines intersect in a weird way and create this chaos of tan VS untan in a constant battle to pull off “who cares” but never actually winning. And even IF you decide to be consistent with your choice of bathing suit style, you’re still stuck with a chimp ass, except it’s white instead of red – The one time when being white in contrast to dark isn’t a win. What do you know! So basically, if you want to avoid tan lines, you have to either resort to fake booth tanning, which.. Fuck that.. Or you have to go to the nude beach. Assuming that you live in ‘Murica and may not necessarily have a nude beach local to you, you may just be shit of luck and have to settle for your backyard. But if you do have one close(ish) to you, and you’re feeling ballsy enough to go, keep in mind that it’s not all about sexy beach bums over there, it’s mostly about BALLS. You get what you deserve being ballsy and all.
  4. HOT POTATO – If you’re going to choose to spend your leisure time by playing hot potato, I would assume that you would gear up with some oven mitts at least. Same goes for the beach. If you know you’re going somewhere where sand meets the hottest element in the galaxy/solar system/whatever, AKA the SUN, and heats up to unimaginable temperatures, you’d take some shoes with you… to protect your feet. It may seem like common sense, but I assure you as someone who is well aware of the repercussions, I have been guilty of the “Shoes? Why do I need shoes? Water will cool off my feet” thoughts. As well as “Beach = Flip Flops”. Stupid stupid stupid woman. Every time I curse myself for thinking I can handle the vast distances of sand and win and every time the blisters on the soles of my feet scream at me “Youuuuuu Loseeee!”
  5. THE “ICK” FACTOR – I don’t really know what happened between my early years, when I could swim in a dirty puddle and not give a crap and now, when I’m skeeved out by just about anything that floats in the water whether it’s dead or alive, but it has become apparent to me that the ocean is not the kind of depths my normally adventurous self is willing to explore. Naturally there is the fear of the unknown. Who knows what goes on there? It’s a whole world of floating fish eggs, whale sperm and copious amounts of urine. And those are things that are supposedly harmless. Let’s not forget that there’s also jelly fish that sting and sharks that have been salivating over your limbs while you were still in traffic on your way there. Sure you can be a fucker and take the shark’s side and be like you’re entering their territory (water), of course they’re gonna attack you. Well here’s the thing. According to shark week and the good old TV that I normally don’t pay much attention to, most shark attacks happen by the “toddler” sharks.. AKA 2 year old sharks. AKA exploring the “field”, AKA not knowing what the fuck they’re doing, but merely trying to figure out what is and isn’t edible. So basically you’re at a crossroad of judging someone/something who is merely “testing the waters”. Well fuck that. There are times to be understanding and there are times to be scared and pissed off. Look at it this way. You’re in traffic. Some asshole in front of you is either going too slow or cutting in front of you. You can either get mad or do nothing cause in reality there’s nothing you really can DO to amend the situation. You can get mad, yes, but what good comes of it? Who knows what his/her reasoning is? Maybe his GF is giving birth in his car and he’s rushing to the hospital. Maybe he’s having a stroke and his feet confused the pedals. What’s the point in getting angry? However… if that very same person was in fact just an asshole who doesn’t know how to drive and he/she caused a ten car pileup with 3 deaths and 4 people injured … is it now justified for you to get angry? Yes. Especially if you or your family are the injured party. If your child died and your wife was paralyzed forever due to someone who was merely driving like an asshole because they were late to work, would you be upset? Would your nature loving, shark protecting self be upset? Um, yeah. You would be. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what THEIR reasoning is as long as it affects you personally. So don’t give me that shit about sharks defending their nature and environment. They’re just dumb scary animals that do crazy shit. And that is why I don’t go in the water. The whole thing is just ICK.

Feeling bummified yet? That last one was kind of dark. Don’t worry; there are plenty of ways to relate without being as pessimistic as I am. The amount of shit I talk about the beach VS the amount I spend there/enjoy it, I might as well call myself a hipster – aka the ultimate hypocrite. Welcome to my world, all you “Beach Bums” you. <3