Can you guess whose sexy ass prom up-sweeps these are?
The answer is: No. You can’t. ‘cause they’re dudes.
I remember seeing some beard competition once on T.V. and thinking how epic it was that one human being could capture all the brilliance of The Pirates of the Caribbean in a single follicular face display. But this bish on some next level shiz with her guy grooming and beard beautification. Jessica Saia of The Bold Italic was fed up with the modern man letting his mermaid tresses go to waste. Thusly, she found a few testosterone infused humans, lassoed them by the locks, and teased them in the only way that probably doesn’t end with men wanting le sex: with a comb.
I want to find each of these men. Then (after licking their beards) I shall take them each to Group USA, and buy them the most form-fitting ball-cupping ball gowns. After that, obviously, we all pile in my time machine limo and head to high school whereupon I take them to every prom and homecoming that I don’t remember. I don’t even know who these grizzled gentlemen are, but I’m pretty much positive they’d be 100 percent superior to the dates I accepted on the basis of underestimating what a hot commodity I was.
All along, what my spirit truly thirsted for…
…was a grizzled goddess.
Like this guy:
Or this guy:
Or this guy:
And if you didn’t already know I’d love this guy, you dunno me:
However, as my wormhole shuttle (giggity) is being repaired by my trusty mechanic, Jose, I’ll settle for the next best thing: A youtube video of these beauties decked out in Marciano gowns and Loubs, traipsing around the local high school’s property in the heat of summer like a Matthew McConaughey character in drag – while tearfully telling the passing security men, “He stood me up! He’ll PAY! If I can’t have him NO ONE CAN.”
Funny, that’s how I feel about their hair since mine refuses to grow that long.
Which reminds me. I’ve begun a fundraiser called “Locks of Covet”.
You can address all your long, luxurious mane donations to:
Miss Tresstosterone BitterBitch
The Milky Way, Washington D.C.