I Don’t Always Listen to the Radio, But When I Do…

most iteresting man in the world
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So I was up at the crack of dawn one morning, playing chauffer; operating a rental car whilst bravely embracing the hungover zombie status I’ve acquired due to activities the night before. At this point I haven’t even had my coffee yet, so driving someone early as hell wasn’t exactly my favorite of activities, but at least the weather was nice. People had already begun to crawl out of their caves as they filled the streets witch chatter and horn honking which I blissfully chose to tune out along with the shitty radio station that I didn’t bother changing. I hardly ever listen to the radio, but this was a rental That was until I half heard a woman call in and tell the world that she cheated on her fiancé and she didn’t know whether or not she should tell him. Naturally my ears perked up. Hangover or not I wanted to know what this dumb bitch was thinking calling the radio station, discussing the concerns of her private life.

Her name is Vivian and apparently she’s been feeling neglected by her soon to be husband because he’s hardly ever home. Long story short she went out to a club with her “girls”, got drunk and slept with a random dude. So now she’s calling the radio station asking for advice on how to best handle the situation.

First of all, not only is the mere fact that she’s broadcasting her voice along with her name and secrets to the world borderline retarded, but she’s also doing it in a laid back,” no big deal” kind of way. “What am I gonna do? I already bought the dress and everything” she says. That’s your major concern, lady? You’re worried about the dress and not the potentially broken heart of your fiancé?

So they sit back and they talk about it for a little bit. It turns out the reason he isn’t home as much as she’d like him to be is because he works long hours, supporting the two of them – Interesting. They ask her how she thinks he’ll react if she does in fact tell him the big news about her being a hoe, and whether or not it may be worth it telling him in the first place. Perhaps sweeping it under the rug and never telling him seeing as how she’s not planning on cheating again is a better strategy. Her response is the following – “Oh no, I love him! I’m definitely never gonna cheat on him again. I hope”. She hopes! Is this bitch for real? I hope she does tell him and he strangles her with the sleeve of her wedding dress.

“I had an entire bottle of vodka in me” she says. Oh, well that makes everything okay then. I’m sure your money-making, hard-working fiancé would love to hear that you’re not only a dishonest, ungrateful hooker but also a drunk. Go right ahead, and tell him about your endeavors.

I just don’t understand the point of calling the radio with this shit. It’s not like it’s a woman’s talk radio and you’re surrounded by tissues as you’re calling in weeping and slobbering all over yourself because you’ve done a terrible thing that you don’t know how to cope with and you have no one else to talk to. No, you’re calling in a radio station that people listen to on their way to work. You’re giving out your name and you’re sitting there making jokes about your relationship. Vivian. What a disgrace you are.

I must say though, after she went off the air the song selection featuring all kinds of cheating references was perfect. Power 106 may not have what it takes to host a decent segment but at least their tracks are on point and relevant to what they discuss.

 

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Naked & Ashamed: Hubby cheats with twin. Epic revenge by wifey.

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If you’re a dude, you’ve probably thought of schmexing up two twins at once.

Bonus points if they’re not prozzies. Questionable bonus points if one’s your wife’s twin sister and they’ve both agreed because you’re just that persuasive (questionable because: incest). And negative points to the wizards of DickinWhore if it’s just with your wife’s twin sister – and wifey doesn’t know about it. Until she finds you porking her. In a car. One Chinese woman found this out the hard way, when she found her hubby eggroll deep in her twin sister – in a backseat.

Strange that the strange he went out and got himself had the same shell. I mean, for the cheated’s bruised ego, this could mean a couple things: he’s still attracted to you (‘cause he’s banging your identical twin). But it could also mean he’s bored of your personality (or that it changed for the worse somewhere along the way – still not an excuse, obv.) But whether or not wifey was a shrew – she was definitely shrewd in judging how to deal with this situation once she found them. Because the moment they hopped out to console her or explain themselves (or invite her to partake?), bish hopped in the driver’s seat of the love crime scene, locked ‘em out, and drove away.


(Hide my mug? Or my muff? Just one of the many things sluts should decide well in advance.)

As there’s no resolution to this tale, I’m left pondering a handful of things:

First: How’d they get home? Longest walk of shame ever?

Second: Ahhh, that “shame”. They don’t handle that well over there, do they?

I bet that walk culminated in the edge of building rooftop.

Third: What punishment must that car ride home have been to the scorned wife’s olfactory bulb? I don’t envy that this poor woman. I mean, she had to inhale the fornication fumes of her shitty husband and sister for an entire drive (after which I like to think she parked it, got drunk, pinned their pictures to it, and pitched Molotov cocktails at it all night). I hope she at least rolled down all the windows and drove like Ace Venture with his broken windshield once she got far enough away that they couldn’t try to climb inside.

Fourth: The shade (level: Regina George) reactions of the surrounding townsfolk may have been better than the entire story itself: “It was so funny,” 33-year-old witness You Meng mused, “Loads of people were grabbing their phones and I did as well. He was banging his fist on the window and shouting at her, and she just wasn’t playing ball.” So excellent. I bet if I had a picture of the giggling picture-taking crowd, it’d almost be more impressive than the one above. #asianstereotypes

And, finally, fifth: I bet you anything that when the twin he was hitched to hopped in that adultery-mobile, at least some part of him (partially flaccid, partially not) hoped it was ‘cause she planned to join the party.

Alas, buddy, the only twins you’re getting now probably match your twin bedsheets.