10 Reasons Boobs Are Awesome

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1. They’re an excellent replacement for pillows. If you’re next to someone who possesses The Boobs, you can lay on them, and you’re basically guaranteed to be jumping on marshmallow clouds for the next few hours in your dreams. They’re a perfect combination of soft and wonderful, and firm and supportive at the same time.

2. They’re perfect for cuddling. Boobs are not exactly “body pillow” material that you can cuddle with, but they are still a marvelous companion for those solo sleeping sessions. Whether you’re on your back or on your tummy, these soft puppies will lure you in, make you hug and hold them, causing you to go into complete and utter comfort zone. Why settle for heavy, hairy, sweaty arms around you when you can have The Incredible Boobs of your own to hold on to in your sleep?

3. They’re selfless. They will spend an entire day in a suffocating bra just to deliver something nice for you to look at. They’ll peek out seductively out of a low cut shirt or a sexy dress, with that seductive crease of theirs.. They may even break a little sweat, and all for the sake of a great view. Whether you’re an outsider glancing at them from the street, or the owner staring at them from the top, the result is fabulous.

4. They participate in physical activities. You always have that one kid in gym class who doesn’t run along with the rest of the students – a lazy ass, a downer. Well, not Boobs! When you run, they’re right there with you, jumping up and down, borderline flying out of the sports bra trying to show you how excited they are to be right there with you. Perhaps they just like the attention, but either way, it’s pleasing to the eye so no complaints here

5. It’s never boring when boobs are around. They have a mind of their own, and they’re not shy about it. They’ll go here and make a statement and then bounce over to the other side and make a statement there too. Then they’ll bounce for joy in one spot for a little bit, which is always appreciated. On the flipside, if you want to stop them from bouncing around, you can ‘reach-around’ and grab them. Even if you’re by yourself, your boobs are always there to keep you company. Does she look bored? Nope 😉

6. They help catch things. If something is flying towards you and your catching skills are similar to those of …Someone who is terrible at catching things, don’t worry, boobs are here to help. All you have to do is bring them forward and kinda push them together with your forearms. Whatever is flying toward you is bound to fall into that little nook that you’ve just created. Who needs Catchers Mitts, when you can have a pair of your very own, all natural, Catchers Tits! (Contact Richardland TM to receive private lessons in how to perfect your technique.

7. They remind us of our childhood. Well maybe not for everyone. For those of us who were fortunate enough to suckle on them as babies, Boobs were basically the first awesome thing that was placed in our mouths. Those magical milk filled jugs. The source of energy and power! How can you not love those squishy balls of greatness? You put your mouth around them once, and you are forever glued to their enchanting power.

8. They can be used as a weapon. Sure, giving someone a backhand in public can be somewhat gratifying. Like BAM! Now what Bitch, I just slapped you, whatcha gonna do about it? And then you’ll probably get slapped back. Assuming that a person you just attacked isn’t a total pussy of course.. Or if they deserved it and they know it. But imagine Boob Slapping someone in public. Woah! That’s the ultimate weapon right there. And it isn’t a weapon because it causes pain. On the contrary, it’s a weapon because instead of causing pain, it sends your opponent into a dumbfounded state, therefore diffusing the situation. They’re just gonna be standing there confused, not knowing how to respond. And whatever they do back to you, (if anything at all, because they’re probably in shock still, thinking about how odd it was that they enjoyed it) will never top the Boob Slap. Unless you know, your boobs are actual weapons, cause that’s pretty cool too.

9. They’re helpful in the kitchen. And by kitchen I mean bedroom. You know, when you don’t want to sit at a table and eat your sandwich like a normal human being because your TV in the bedroom is calling your name? So you climb up on the bed with your back against the wall, and you bring your legs up to your chest, creating a very useful bridge with your boobs between your mouth and your knees that can be used to hold up your plate conveniently inches away from your face. And not only that, but once you remove the plate, you don’t have to worry about any of the remaining crumbs on your mouth landing on your bed, because I assure you, everything will end up on The Boobs.

10. They can be an excellent diversion. If you feel like an argument is escaping from you or you’re in a situation where words just won’t help, don’t worry, you may still have a shot. Of course it always depends on the strength of your opponent, but here are some things that might do the trick. First, you can try letting them out of their cage just slightly, to make an appearance, and give your rival a little something to look at. If this doesn’t create enough of a diversion, you can try grazing their shoulder or arm with The Boobs just slightly, as if by accident. Wearing revealing clothes during fun activities like beer pong for example is sure to put you ahead in the game.

BONUS POINTS: When you’re doing it doggy style, just imagine their beautiful applaud.

 

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Why are we awestruck by non-‘shopped celeb bodies?

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Aaaand the latest face gone viral for not really waking up and looking flawless?

The chick half of the Jay-once power couple (is that the portmanteau you kids’re using?)

I usually kinda sorta hate this stories unless they have to do with how stupid advertising is by trying to sell you panties using a computer created thigh gap. Especially when the model is really a 24 year old called Trisha who actually had a good deal of adductor friction and even a touch o’ cellulite from that one summer when she got dumped, depressed, gained ten extra pounds, and then lost it all when she reclaimed her power in time for Fall fashion week. Man, I rather like that story I made up just now about a hypothetical cat walker far better than the lie her morphed body parts are telling me. That I can identify with. That makes her relate-able. A person. Like me.

And like Beyonce in these pictures.

You know, I’ve long thrown shade at the ads, but at least the optical lie you’re getting makes sense there. They want you to buy something, so they market the subtle promise of super human impossible beauty by pairing it with their product. Logically, you know that’s not gonna happen. But on a subconscious level, that desirous hope’s got an agenda of its own. So, that makes sense. Ads hack your noggin to prize your dollars from you.

But what about celebrities?

Is it the same thing? And what exactly is it they’re selling me?

It can’t be the good messages in the songs about being beautiful as you are. Not when it’s juxtaposed against a jarring visible paradox the moment the L’oreal mask disappears. We could argue that they are selling us something: distraction. And that distraction is the constant ebb and flow of faux perfection. These mythical pins of perfection get lined up (“Kate Hudson you’re so perfect… how are you even real?” –Actual E! Headline)… only to be knocked down every so often as an unflattering paparazzi shot, photo leak, bad bout of behavior, weight gain, whatever. It’s like the red carpet’s there to be ripped from under them. And, in that way, it is an advertisement. An offer to follow the swinging pocketwatch instead of what terrorist groups are doing what and who’s dying needlessly in not-my-country-so-why-should-I-care-istan and so on:

(An hour or two ago, there was at least one world-news thing.)

And how’s that work? How do celebs trump world events?

Because we love to compare. My sister recently uploaded and tagged me in a hideous picture she took after the holidays when my face was all puffy. She knew I hated the picture. But she did it anyway. And I thought, “Ugh – I look like that?” Sure, I was hurt she did it, and still am. But I tried to glean a lesson from it. I had to wonder – who am I comparing myself to that I hate my mug this much? If it were just me-pre-Christmas, then I’d know that I can reclaim that body status. And I have, thankfully. So why did I hate the picture so much? Because it looked nothing like you’d see in a music video still? In a magazine? And was it just that I was too puffy? Or was it that I looked like I was about to cry – because I was indeed holding back tears while trying to ignore the fact that my sister taking the picture was drinking a margarita in front of me when I’m a year clean and she said she’d quit liquor for good? Was that why the hurt was amplified far beyond the kind that accompanies those usual uggo-photo’s that end up online of me? Much like the model anecdote above, the picture’s not perfect, but it is loaded with reality. Infused with the human condition. Associations to things I had trouble accepting that day when I came home and had an hour long panic attack and couldn’t sort out why until now.

Point? We’re not meant to be picture-perfect. We’re meant to be human. All of us.

The world worshipping something other than that all the time, tells me I’m shit when I’m human.

So, in a way, seeing a snap of a pimple dotted celeb who has to be slathered in Geisha makeup, is fccking beautiful – not news to get dramatic over. What if she’d just gotten in a fight with her husband? What if those puffy under-eyes were because she was up all night taking care of her kid who’s named after a vine and primary color? Why throw shade for someone being imperfect when we’re finally seeing the stuff about them we’ve been waiting for – the stuff we can actually relate to?

The sooner we relate to any flaws a celeb has (“Ah, that’s just like the time I punched my ex in the jaw and thusly was provided VIP reservations in the drunk tank… #memories”) instead of being surprised by it, the easier it’ll be to understand the distraction for what it is. And that’s only half the solution. Because as I thumb through, I too am tempted to click on these ridiculous stories (after all, I had to click on one – to write this). And why’s Beyonce’s mug – now tantamount to cracks in an Aphrodite statue that looked perfect from a distance – so interesting to me instead? Is it because the violence and fighting is – first – depressing and tough to stomach? Why, yes! And is it secondly because I feel like I can’t do anything about it – because even if I voted on something, the party with the most money’s just gonna win anyway? And war is always their answer? Even though it just seems to cause more violence? Current terrorist groups being an excellent example? And the fun fact that brings this full circle is that someone, inevitably will read this – my opinion – and launch nuclear vitriol on me based on what they think they know clashing with what I think I know. And then the unsettling feeling of an internet debate will leave us both feeling something far from blissful.

Funny how that feeling’s somehow less when the subject of debate is something we both know doesn’t matter.

Like how many pores are on the skin covering the front of Beyonce’s head.

Hey, maybe – just like Bey-face – we share more in common with at least some of these peeps we battle abroad.

At the very least, more than the media’d have us believe.