To Sleep Naked or Not to Sleep Naked – That is the Question

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I myself find it best to sleep in that which I was originally sleeping in for several months in my mom’s belly – nothing. I don’t believe that sleeping naked puts you in the category of a nudist however – there are plenty of activities I would much rather do with clothes on. Cooking is one of those activities – I can’t even imagine accidentally lighting one of my boobs on fire or getting splattered with hot oil from the frying pan onto my private parts. Shrug.

I have met plenty of people however that would in fact prefer to sleep in clothes. While I stick to my previously stated preference, I can certainly sympathize with their point of view. Having said, here’s the breakdown of all the reasoning on the subject I could think of.

THE ADVANTAGES OF SLEEPING NAKED:

  1. You are one with the bed.

There aren’t any extra layers that keep you from moving whichever direction you want to go. There isn’t anything snagging on the covers preventing them from sliding against your body exactly how you want them to. You are literally one with the bed. You have free reign to slide left and right, even diagonally if you’re feeling adventurous. I have yet to come across a pair of pajamas that wins my heart, and I’ve bought some top notch quality stuff. The shorts rise up your crotch, the pants rise up your leg and you can forget about the baby doll things; they rise all the way up and on top of that if you’re anything like me, the ladies refuse to stay inside a delicate camisole. Who wants to sleep in lacy sexy apparel anyway? All that stuff is just for show and I for one am not about to sacrifice comfort for the sake of being “sexy”. I’m not Eddie Murphy.

  1. More money in your pockets and more space in your drawers.

Everyone has a budget and a lot of people that don’t, probably should. If you can eliminate pajamas from your wardrobe altogether, you’d actually be saving a lot more money than you realize. And let’s not forget about the storage space. Just imagine how much extra room you can have for your endless funny T-shirts.

  1. Your laundry basket doesn’t get filled up as fast.

You wash the clothes that you wear for 8 hours a day so naturally the same logic would apply to the clothes that you wear in bed for on average the same amount of time. Sure you get into them nice and clean and there aren’t any external filthy factors in your bed like there are in the outside world, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t get dirty with use. Same with your sheets, and an even better example your towels – you get out of the shower nice and clean, and wipe yourself with a towel. Even though its sole purpose is to absorb the clean off you, that towel is too going to end up in the laundry bag. So between sheets, towels and every day clothes alone, why add to it with pajamas too? Save that room for clothes you need to wash so you can show them off again and go to sleep naked.

  1. Easy access.

You wake up in the morning next to your loved one, and instead of ruffling through layers of clothes that are probably in all kinds of awkward places, you can just swoop right in there. You’re facing additional road blocks on the way to your happy ending if pajamas are involved. Aint nobody got time for that.

  1. You can use your own body heat to keep you warm better than any layer of clothing.

It’s a proven fact: they used this method during the war to stay warm. Granted, hugging another naked body will probably generate more heat than hugging yourself, but as an experienced self-hugger I assure you, it still works. Just wrap your arms around yourself, and magic warmth will unravel from there.

 

THE DISADVANTAGES OF SLEEPING NAKED:

  1. In case of an emergency, chances of you leaving the house looking decent get slimmer.

Let’s say a natural disaster hits and you don’t have time go and pour yourself a cup of coffee so you can wake up to deal with it properly. It hits, you’re there and you have to escape the building. But oh wait, you’re naked… You don’t have time to go through your drawers to find something to throw on, you’ve got to get your ass out there; the building is on fire! Sure you may have a robe hanging on your door knob for “emergencies” but let’s face it, when you wake up all discombobulated you may even forget that you’re not wearing any clothes and run out there in all your naked glory.

 

  1. All possible intruders automatically become potential rapists.

Perhaps your luck of living peacefully has run out and a burglar decided to rob your humble abode. Having broken inside the house and having realized that you in fact having nothing worthy of stealing they might just walk away being like “oh well”. But if they see a naked body lying on the bed, they might just be like “Well let’s not make this trip a waste, I might as well just get me some of this” – And then you’re fucked… Literally.

 

  1. Body heat may be a thing, but it doesn’t transfer that heat to the uninhibited sheets surrounding you.

A friend of mine brought up an interesting point. She says she’s tried sleeping naked and while it’s enticing in some ways, she runs into the problem where if you sleep in one position for a while and then you happen to turn over, the space on the bed to which you are shifting is uninhibited and therefore much colder than your current temperature. She’s going to do further research via buying different sheets – cotton happens to be more temperature friendly all over. I know this because I slide all over my bed and I’ve never run into the problem of waking up in the middle of the night because I accidentally landed on a cold spot.

  1. As a girl, you forfeit the ability to validate your multiple pajama purchases.

Contrary to the point I’ve made earlier where you don’t need to purchase pajamas if you choose to sleep naked, as a girl you may find yourself buying all that shit anyway. Pajamas can be very cute and you constantly tell yourself that you’ll end up using them while you lounge around the house or take them with you to a sleepover. You never do though. It just sits there taking up room, looking pretty inside your drawers in constant darkness for no one to see.

  1. Surprise visits from aunt Flow are even less appreciated in the middle of the night when you’re naked.

No one likes getting their period, unless there’s a specific “thank god I’m not pregnant” situation involved. Getting your period in the middle of the night is the worst. You don’t know of its arrival until after you wake up all bloody in the morning. Sure, perhaps you’re a light sleeper and your bleeding body might wake you up in the middle of the night, but there’s a 50 percent chance of that happening. Pajamas act as a layer between you and your bed. Subtract the pajamas and you get a bloody mattress as well.

  1. Open door policy can get pretty tricky.

Weather you have roommates or babies, sleeping naked becomes a bit of a problem. One or the other is bound to storm into your room and see you at your most vulnerable. You can lock your door if you live with roommates, but you can’t do that when you have children. What if they’re hungry or drowning in the toilet? You have to be able to hear them and be constantly at their beck and call. Adulting is hard enough as it is. Doing so naked is trickier.

To summarize, given the above reasoning it makes sense to leave the nakedness behind and embrace the pajamas. I will do no such thing. I let logic win often enough as it is. Not this time. I think I’ll go take a naked nap now.

So you’re Thinking of Selling your Stuff on Ebay?

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Spoiler Alert – it’s NOT that simple. But before I really get into the reasons as to what exactly can make one’s life selling their unwanted belongings via world known amazing/inviting/colorful creation that goes by the name EBAY, so miserable, I must warn you – I’m about to get real sexist up in this bitch.

However, it’s not all about how much women suck as consumers when it comes to shopping on eBay. It’s a big part, which I intend to elaborate on later, but there’s certainly more to it than that. Also before you get all judgy on me for the sexist talk, you should know that I’m going full force against my own kind here, which is painful enough already so cut me some slack.

First and foremost let’s get China out of the way. They somehow manage to sell stuff across the globe for .99 cents with free shipping and they’re still in business. Perhaps their sweatshops are doing wonders, I don’t really know. I’d like to focus on sales within the US with normal shipping costs, human interaction that doesn’t involve jumbled google translator and delivery time frames that fall somewhere within the month.

So let’s take a look at what you’ll be dealing with, shall we?

  1. FINDING A STEAL – This guy I met once told me he bought a pair of glasses on eBay for just $2, and he was so excited about it like he screwed the system or something. But then he goes like “Plus $15 shipping”…. Ummmmm.. Really.. So then you didn’t buy the glasses for $2, you bought them for $17!.. That’s literally one in a million though. Most humans with a brain and possession of The Logic incorporate the shipping cost into their final price, making that the seller’s number 1 obstacle in obtaining a profit from the items for sale.
  2. FEES AND SUCH – The buyer is looking at the price of the item & the shipping cost. That’s how much they’re paying for whatever used/unused item they think they want. That’s all they see and that’s all they care about, justifiably so. The seller however doesn’t have a magical Chinese fairy that ships everything for free, so that shipping cost actually goes toward the cost of shipping the item. Now PayPal, eBay’s estranged cousin takes a share because they’re the reason you were able to exchange money with a stranger via the internet, safely. And let’s not forget about the mastermind behind the operation – eBay – that inevitably takes a cut because the entire transaction wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for their existence. After all the fees, what are you left with? Not much.
  3. ACTUAL SHIPPING COSTS – As you can imagine, boxes, packages and packing tape don’t appear out of thin air. Time spent on trips to the post office and standing in line to ship packages isn’t free either because as I’m sure you’re well aware of – time is money. So is gas by the way. It’s very common to hear from an eBay buyer that they’re not in a rush for something and they just want to pay for First class shipping instead of priority. That’s great. You’re not in a rush, you don’t want to spend the extra couple of bucks for priority shipping that I can master from my home because the USPS is kind enough to provide me with free packaging materials when expedited shipping is involved. But no no, you’re in no rush.. So I’ll just go ahead and take my ass to the post office then, stop by the gas station -$5, then CVS to pick up some packing tape -$3, pay for the actual packaging-another $2, and ship your $10 dress for $3 instead of $6 that I could have done from home. Yeah, I’ll get right on that! I live and breathe to waste my time and money so you could have your dress that you’re in no rush for.
  4. TIME IS MONEY – This alone needs a slight elaboration. Aside from spending the time to ship the item once it’s actually purchased, let’s not forget how much time it takes to actually list said item for sale. Sure you can snap one picture and say two words about it, but let’s face it; that only works for something along the lines of an Xbox or something. More often than not, especially with clothing, all kinds of shit is involved – measurements, details, caring instructions, angles, you name it. Taking all those pictures, uploading them, measuring all that shit and writing a detailed description for each and every one of those items to avoid any and all possible annoying questions (an area that I still very much plan to enlighten you about) is ultimately not worth the effort.
  5. THE HAGGLERS – This is where I get sexist. Men just don’t do that! They don’t do it in person and they don’t do it online. Period. They see something, they like it/want it/must have it – they get it. They don’t care for it – they move on. Women on the other hand…. No matter how little in the case of usual eBay circumstances you price an item for – not because it’s not worth MUCH more than that mind you, but because you just want to get rid of it at that point – there will always be that one person that will private message you with requests to buy it for less. Bitch! This ain’t a flea market! You didn’t just stumble upon a garage sale! I mean seriously, what is with these people? It seems as though they’re not after saving money merely because they can’t afford it. If they couldn’t afford it, they wouldn’t be “shopping” in the first place. It’s more about the thrill – the idea that they’ve pulled a fast one on somebody.
  6. THE CREEPERS – These go hand in hand with the hagglers. I have yet to decipher a distinct line between where one ends and the other begins. On one hand, it is almost always the hagglers, aka the women who also happen to ask way too many questions. You can include anything and everything in the listing – the material breakdown, the inseam measurements, the rise measurements, the measurements lying down flat along with the actual size of the item – and they’d still be like “what’s the depth of the pocket on the left thigh? How many inches deep?… Come on. Are you TRYING to annoy me or are you just naturally good at it? You’re looking to buy a pair of jeans for less than twenty dollars (shipping included!). You’re not buying a house. You’re not buying a car. You’re not buying a baby. Relax thyself…. Oh but it gets worse.. And quite frankly this is where the line gets really blurry. I literally had a person ask to me to send them additional pictures of 1) me wearing a skirt that was for sale, 2) occasions said skirt was worn at and 3) why I’ve decided to sell the skirt. At first I was like alright, you’re just another annoying bitch that has nothing to do but request the entire family tree of a skirt and all of its ancestors. Then a friend of mine pointed out that it could very well be a dude with a sick fetish for silk skirts by Marciano that scopes the internet in hopes of finding gullible yuppies that would send them weird descriptive info… and pictures and stuff.. Yuck!
  7. THE AFTERMATH – Last but not least there’s the question of your eBay member good standing which is broken down to feedback and rating – The two things you have least control of. People who buy your stuff can either be honest, generous, silent, or malicious and negative for no reason whatsoever. On one hand, even if they give you a negative feedback which you can’t dispute – who cares – it’s just a website where you sell unwanted stuff. On the other hand it hurts your chances of other people buying your unwanted stuff. Not to mention, customer service tends to be on the consumer’s side rather than the seller’s, so there’s that. Welcome to corporate America!

All in all, selling shit on eBay is a pain in the ass. My only advice is stop buying so much shit. Then you won’t feel the need to get rid of it. And knowing human nature, not wanting to give it away for free, therefore feeling the need to sell it instead of donating it, therefore turning to eBay, you won’t have to cause yourself the stress which is sure to be accumulated due to the reasons mentioned above. You’re welcome.

Single VS Taken

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Single is the new black… The boobs are always bigger on the other side… So many options, so little time… Whichever way you look at it, there doesn’t seem to be a clear, cut throat, most obvious way to go. Unless you’re lucky enough to go back to Pleasantville, nothing is black and white.

Being in a relationship is great. You get to validate your phone plan’s ability to send and receive an unlimited amount of cute little text messages about the nothingness that so greatly describes the details of your day… All the phone calls filled with adorable silences as you listen to each other breathe, suddenly become justified. You don’t have to have a reason to dial the person’s number. They’re your significant other and they signed up to listen to your chatter at any given time of day when they agreed to be exclusive with you, just as much as you agreed to support them in every and all dreams and aspirations that may come along.

There’s always someone to wish good morning and good night to, and you no longer have to handle your Netflix addiction solo because you’ve got your partner in crime joining you on the couch. So you wrap yourself in your security blanket which is probably accompanied by a cat for purrfect cuddlez and you drift away into Couple’s Paradise. Eventually you get tired of lugging your personal belongings and change of clothes back and forth, so you do the obvious, and move in together. Now you get to save on rent, do shopping together, cook dinner together (Yay! Fun!), drink wine together, fall asleep together, wake up to each other’s faces every day, together. Then you’ll probably be like “Hey, I’m tired of Fluffball watching us having sex every time. Let’s get him a friend!” So you get a puppy… Now you have paw prints with both Meow and Woof on your doormat to demonstrate how totes adorbs you are. Soon enough, that becomes not enough and you decide to further develop your clan by reproducing naturally. (I’m skipping the wedding bells here because I feel it would be too big of an “insert” since it’s clearly a category big enough on its own).  So now that you’re popping out babies, you finally get to put your scrapbooking skills to use and that camera that you bought for your travels that you never got to cease, can make its way out of the closet and finally do some damage control. Every second now is a chance to take a beautiful picture of your gorgeous baby and there’s only 86400 seconds in a day so you better get cracking.

With that, a different kind of fun begins. There’s no longer time for Netflix and lazy evenings by the fireplace splitting a bottle of wine with your “Bae”. Your buddies and girlfriends haven’t fully accepted the fact that you’ve entered social isolation yet, but they will soon. Even though you hardly go out anymore you still somehow don’t have any money, because duh, family life. Your furry friends are too now feeling neglected because your main concern is to make sure that your clones grow up with better views on life as you will sooner die than recreate your parents’ mistakes. “When I have kids, I will never do so and so…” You’re so amazingly bright at 17 when life seems so discriminating that you make it a goal of yours to never treat your kids as unfairly as your parents treat you. I’d also like to point out the level of hypocrisy that is going to take place when you “grow up” and unleash your views on first your younger siblings, and then your offspring. It’s almost always inevitable. But hey, you and your partner get to both put suggestions in the “Major Decisions” jar, and it’s probably going to be fun sifting through them, deciding to pick the best ones. And you thought agreeing on colors of the walls was tough…

Seems somewhat black and white doesn’t it? Seems like a template that everyone follows blindly? Ehh, it is and it isn’t. It’s a whole new world! Nothing is what it seems and while some people follow the traditional ways, others choose to lead their life more unconventionally.

I find it hard to choose one or the other. Both sides bring such compelling arguments. On one side, you have these mystical scenarios for perfect relationships coming true and making sense. I adore the idea of an old fashion lifestyle. Big happy family with eight kids, three dogs, a cat, enormous backyard and parents that die of old age, holding hands Notebook style. On the other side you have the more common scenarios of today’s generation filled with experimental stages, drunken mishaps, poor decisions, engagements that last longer than reasonable, unnecessary mind games and other retardation. I’m not saying that any of that is appealing to me. I am however saying that it is that world, today’s world, the world that is the opposite of the old fashion world that happens to be very comfortable and expects very little of you. It allows you to be selfish and alone, and to like it. It pains me to admit it that I like it. It PAINS me because ultimately, I look at the formula of LIFE, and I’m like, hey, this is logical, this makes sense, I want that… and yet… I’m still like EHHHHHH … Come to think of it, that’s a lot of work. I’d rather be selfish and do things that make sense right here and right now and for MEEEEEE….

So, for all you non-cynical assholes out there, unlike me, if you can make your relationships work and achieve life’s greatness with someone by your side, all the power to you. I’ll stay here, on the dark side and eat my cookies.

Why? One word. Organizedchaos. Everything is where is it needs to be and no one is there to judge me for it. No I don’t have too much stuff for my hair and face in the bathroom. Yes, I have “enough” of lotions and face masks. No, that hair brush isn’t the same as the other three in my pretty wicker basket under the sink. Yes that wicker basket serves a different purpose than my 4 other baskets in the closet… No I don’t need you to combine the 5 different hair conditioners into one bottle to save space! Each and every one of those has a purpose and you just don’t understand because you shave with your shampoo and you wash your hair with soap… Sure all that may seem trivial, but it adds up.

Then there’s the cuddling. Who doesn’t love cuddling? Love cuddling. Until you’re cuddling me so hard that you’re choking me. Come on now, you’ve done the diligence. You’ve shown your interest. We had sex, you choked me, I bit you, you smacked me, I spit on you, you hugged me, it’s beautiful, now move on over to the other side of the bed and let me sleep in peace. Thanks. Honesty, right?? You can’t say that though! Because that’s mean… What do you mean you don’t want to hold me all night long? But honey bunches, but bumble cakes, but but but… But I want you with me, next to me, to be a part of me all day every day….. But but but… get the fuck off of me and move over! You’re suffocating me with your love…

Can’t forget about the grooming… If you’re with someone, you probably shape things up down there. Whether your lover likes a little bit of hair or a lotta bit of hair, it requires some sort of maintenance regardless. Guess what, when you’re single, no maintenance required. You feel like shaving your arm pits today? Go for it! Not feeling it? No biggie! Guys wanna sport their Duck Dynasty hairstyle? By all means, there isn’t a girlfriend in sight to complain about it. The only person that matters in that decision making process is you! Same goes for food shopping and food consuming. Same goes for everything really. It’s so much easier to control everything around you when you’re the only one making decisions. No one is going to ask you what time you’ll be home. No one is going to tell you that they’re tired of your mashed potatoes. No one is going to nag you about anything. No one is going to interrupt reading time with conversations about what happened at work that day. No one is going to hog the remote control. No need to have the conversation about whether or not you want to keep the TV on when you go to bed or off, because one person likes silence and the other person can’t sleep without background noise. No one is going to wake you up with sexual requests. Don’t get me wrong, morning sex is great… But on MY time. Sleepy time is important time and the selfish beast shall not be bothered with the lovey dovey nonsense unless it is initiated during appropriate time frames. Must dig deep into selfish beast’s brain to retrieve allotted time frames as they are not available in the common sense category.

So there you have it. Selfish Life versus Patient Love. Some of us pick one and stick to it, and others dart in between the two relying on the intricate, constantly changing reasoning our minds provide us with.

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