I admit, I read this sleep study with my typical smile and nod.

Same reaction I generally have for most woo woo that I can’t relate to.

I mean, something about the position I sleep in speaking to my own personal character, mental state, or relache proclivities just seems kinda horoscope-y to me. But, I try to be open minded. So I heard out the results of this survey study done in a bunch of different nations about “what your sleep position means about you”. Like anyone else who believes the universe orbits deferentially around them, every connection stated in this story made me mentally pause – just long enough to relate it back to the “does this apply to me?” section of my noggin notes.

Now it’s your turn:

1. Fetal position? Tough on the outside but gooey centered.

2. Giving sleep partner zero space? Extrovert.

(Mmmyeah. And ya already even got the human iron lung bit taken care of.)

3. Partners mutually giving eachother zero space? Happy relache (I don’t buy it).

4. Partners parting during dreamtime? Bad relache (I uber-don’t buy it)

(See? The Stiller/Schwimmer couple of the puppet world were always happy).

5. Sleeping on the left side of bed? Good life outlook.

6. Sleeping on left side of your body? More creative and great sleep.

(So great you don’t want it interrupted by Monsieur Morningwood)

7. Sleeping or right side of bed or body? Less great life outlook.

(And you hate your job.)

8. Stomach sleeping? Sexy dreams (duh, you’re pressing on your sexy organs.)

9. Sleeping solo every night? God’s gift to me.

(Except on a better mattress than Ariel.
No way that thing passes Sealey posturepedic’s wine test).

It’s been a while since I’ve let anyone cuddle with me – much less share the coveted few hours of sweet unconsciousness with which I’m blessed at night. As one of those “light switch” personalities (either utterly obsessed or completely disinterested in the fellow fleshy creatures filling the world around me – even when it’s the object of my monogamy), I want to be touched when I want to be touched. For the other 1,439 minutes and 55 seconds of the day, you’re welcome to go fcck yourself. Or someone else. I don’t care. Why are you still here?

Which is probably why my relache-sleep chart always was more like this:

There were additional sleep styles in this chart. But, TBH, by the time I was done indulging all this drivel – all those percentages and statistics had melted into one another for the sole purpose of being ejected from my memory like refuse from a space shuttle. Why would I save space in my brain for numerical figures wrought from fortune telling? What validity has this pseudo-science got? Sleeping positions don’t dictate how you are. I mean, I’ve slept in every last one of those goddamned positions by the time the sun rises. So, by this whole non-logic of theirs, that means I’d have all of those traits. All at once.

Which means I’d be some schizophrenic psychopa-…

Oh… Okay.

Well played, science. Well played.