Is this racist? Are gays not allowed to have preferences?

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Settle down, class.

As we continue our section on “Is it racist?”, we’re going to watch a short video.

And discuss it afterward.

(Suzanne, can you get the lights please? Thank you , dear…)


First, I have trouble believing anyone would turn this guy down.

However, we do like what we like.

Does it make me discriminatory that I’ve generally “gone for” dark haired dudes over gingers or blondies? Mayhaps. But I don’t feel like it’s a social cancer inducing kinda proclivity. It’s dating. Dynamics happening intimately in your private life aren’t anyone else’s business. Your baby making equipment doesn’t have to be an equal opportunity employer. In fact, I’ve actually come to find that having (and sticking to) a “type” is one of those things that just ends up affecting the picker more adversely than the pickee.

For example, note that I said above, “we like what we like – not who.”

This is and has been the foundation for my whole problem in the past. I’ve missed out, holding out for a “what” because the features it describes generally supplement some ideal I’ve got in my mind – even if I don’t wanna believe that about myself. So much so that, in the past, my mind would do a shut-down thing when approached by someone who didn’t fit my pre-constructed preference section in my mind. (Awful, yes, I know). When I became more open-minded, I didn’t necessarily start dating every type there is. But what I did do was start making my sexual preferences a non-priority. I try tabling the whole “Can I see myself sleeping with you?” at the outset (I said “try”). The benefit of this is even the mere thought of hooking up in the back seat – takes a back seat… till we really meet. And I mean meet the actual person – versus some fetishist or Platonic idea I’ve had dreamed up since before you were brave enough to come say hi. This means that I listen critically to what you say, absorb it, respond, and – above all – get over myself enough to do any of those first three things. It’s horribly hard for someone like me who’s constantly battling between multiple solipsistic intrinsic voices (“Does this hat look dumb?” and “Of course it doesn’t. I look AMAZING.”)

But I try. ’cause you’re right, Sassy gay friend.

When I make a little effort at empathy, the whole world opens up.

To a different kinda love-seeking. Campy, I know, but hear me out.

Let me ask you this: how hard would it be to kindly say, “I hope you don’t think I’m leading you on. I don’t want to date you right now, but I’m very interested about this amazing trip to Europe that you’re telling me about which I’m sure isn’t even slightly embellished”? This (or something less passive aggressive) is the perfect go-to if you’re having a conversation and the other person’s reading your body language all wrong or starts getting handsy. The difference between this and the typical type of “friend-zoning” is that I’m not collecting you now to use later. I am your friend if we remain friends. I am interested in you as a human being. I’ll call and ask you how you are (text actually, probz). I’ll help you move if you get evicted. I’ll give you a ride if your car craps out. Interested in my friendship? Act now! Place your order! (Bump-uglies not included.)

And this open mindedness is my segue to the yes-but part of this message:

Compassionately rejecting others.

Or as my e-guru says, “Saying no with love.”


(See, my homo-homies? Your queen’s kind. Be like the queen.)

You have a right to say no, as I’ve mentioned. But if you’re not in the market for new friends, there’s a better way than the above. All of us can work on this. I feel like we owe it to ourselves as a species to improve the quality of the language capacity we worked so hard to evolve. And by that I mean: have a little effing couth when you’re turning down someone who grew a big enough sac to come chat you up.

Honesty and consideration are not mutually exclusive. Blunt does not equal sincerity. When the dude in the video gets shut down, it’s to the tune of something like, “I don’t date black guys.” This is the kind of thing you might say in the privacy of your head, along with “Did you gain weight, fat bitch?” or “I rubbed one out before I got here so I wouldn’t go home with a troll like you on accident.” Much better, I suppose, could be anything from, “Thank you! I’m flattered! But I’m going to have to say no. You’re wonderful, though.” (Who needs a reason – espesh if you’re being nice about it?) to the thing mentioned above: “No thanks, but you’re cool – come have coffee/a drink/see a gig with my friends and me sometime”.

I don’t care who you date. And you probably don’t care if I do care. Your personal prefs about where you park your peen aren’t any of my business. But as a suggestion: gays, un-gays, furry lovers, bisexual centaurs, and so on could all stand to be a bit more considerate when turning folks away from the red ropes lining our love clubs. No need to butthurt someone just ‘cause you don’t want them to hurt your butt later at home. Thus, my vote is this: sexual pref based rejection’s not racist, obviously. But depending on how you deliver it, it can make people feel pretty badly about themselves – be it about their skin’s shade, hair’s color, their height, or whatever else folks can’t change and shouldn’t have to.

So, please:

Do your thing – but be kind and remember that you don’t get a compassion pass upon exiting the closet.

You can totes keep the sass sans acting like an ass.

Porn actress flies off the handle mid scene… literally

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You’re a porn star, just doing what you do…. when suddenly your costar calls you a bitch.

Do you: A. Bite him? B. Give him a nasty look? or C. Keep sucking… it up and finish?

(Warning ahead of time: Content/language is explicit in the below vid). But while we’re on the language topic, this video raised a larger cultural query for some: “Why does the N-bomb get dropped so frequently within the African American Community?” The “-er” ending is almost never heard – unless your intentions are deliberately disparaging – but why use it at all?

What it comes down to, is something I like to call the “exclusivity invective”.

It’s that same thing you’ll see in any circle of any human beings that have been victimized at some point in time, regardless of whether its source was extremely violent or trivial in comparison. Our defense mechanism is often to “beat people to the punch” if we know they might point out something they perceive to be a flaw. Example: Comedians spotlight straight away they’re a ginger or Asian all the time, and then joke about how they respectively have no soul or can’t drive but are great at math. It’s okay for them to say it. It’s okay for you to laugh.

But it’s not so cool for you to say that joke about them unless you’re “part of the club”.

In this case, the performer isn’t just “black”. She’s also a chick. It starts with her being called “bitch” during a scene. Women on a whole call each other “bitch”, “slut”, and “whore” all the time – and depending on the tone – it’s often just to be friendly. Is it okay for men to say it, though? Not unless you’re her gay best friend. I highly doubt if she was a bi-performer and heard “Yeah, b*tch! Don’t stop!” from a female co-star, that she would have been half as livid.

Mr. Pumper is clearly not her gay friend, however (seeing as he was literally “pumping” her). Thus, she backfires by drawing on something else they culturally share in common (race) and strikes using the next-best thing: Repeatedly screaming the N-bomb at him. Not “dick”. Not “asshole”. Not “MotherFkkr”. Just the N-bomb.

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The beauty of the “exclusivity invective” is its fine-line dynamic nature. Depending on the context, it can be the single quickest way to demonstrate endearment one moment or scathingly cut to the core the next… all without technically being taboo or committing a social faux pas.

xoxo
<3~A