Rag Weed… for that thyme of the month.

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“ASSS-BREATH!”

cocksuckermofo

Oh. Terribly sorry. I didn’t know you were there.

You see, one of the sad side effects of PMS is this temporary form of Tourette’s syndrome. Unfortunately, there’s no known natural cure for the bitchiness of our cyclically altered hormone levels. But for some of that actual underlying pain that drives us betches to treat everyone like used douche fluid – the answer may just be found in the form of a safe non-pharmaceutical herb.

(“But you just wrote about that!”)

No, my love. Not that herb. What I’m talking about is thyme – in its essential oil form. Reportedly, a study was recently performed in which scientists carried out placebo-based research. Some groups were given the natural curative herb, some were given motrin, and others straight up placebos. The ones who unknowingly took time essential oil ultimately experienced less overall pain plaguing them during future monthly misery weeks (more than the Motrin gobblers). I didn’t understand why at first. But it boils down to the fact that pharmaceutical pain relievers – even non habit forming ones – make you build a tolerance up in your body. So the price for spasm assuaging in May means a war of uteral proportions waged in June.

hormones

But the shrubby stuff doesn’t cause all that – and thyme’s not the only player.

Stuff like sage and cinnamon can also abate the spontaneous phantom strangling of your ovaries. But don’t go anywhere just yet, you ball bearing peen owners! As I understand it, the natch plants aren’t snatch specific. All kinds of crampy muscles can be mitigated by this culinary reliever!

And you know what that means! After you’ve landed yourself wanker’s claw because your lover’s on le rag, the two of you can non-genitally connect in the kitchen.. and both toast with a dose of oil.

(If she hasn’t poured it all on a quart of ice cream and eaten it with a trowel.)

starvinggg

Y’know. This is really lovely news. But you can stow your sage.

I’m getting spade.