Handling Tinder


Tinder – Ugh. Am I right?

Between Tinder and Grinder alone I think we have a reason for the civilization’s miserable demise. Swiping left and right, looking for the perfect match to fuck on a Friday night – gross. “Oh I’m not on here for dates, I’m here to make friends” – Fuck off! “I don’t like that people are objectifying me” – Double Fuck off! Take your tits off your profile picture then.

On the off chance that you are actually an innocent little wallflower and you’re on Tinder to “network” or whatever, I guess this is a semi decent way of handling those who clearly don’t have the right idea of what the app is for.

This girl found a way to channel her creativity via drawing semi embarrassing naked pictures of nitwits’ that approach her, displaying their ugly morphed penises along with the words they chose for their sexual advances, and posting them on Instagram. I don’t know if I would call this way of dealing with Tinder “amazing” per se, but you gotta give credit where credit is due.

It’s somewhat entertaining to scroll through these little sketches. You just imagine the poor schmucks sitting in their parent’s basement jerking their wieners, browsing hot chicks. Oh the humanity.

Let’s redo this fat suit Tinder experiment (video).


Okay, I don’t want to bias you.

So first, you watch these two Tinder-meetup-in-a-fat-suit social experiments. And then read my take.

Here’s the chick version:

And now, the dude:

I feel like the experiments weren’t terribly equal.

They made the dude hate kids, pups, and he was ironically picky about the fitness level of his chicks. Already he’s a douchey hypocrite with borderline sociopathy (Hate babies? Fine. But what kinda monster hates dogs?) that’s redeemable only in the cute one-twirl dance move, adventurous nature, and thumb war game he got them to play. The chick on the other hand? A sweetie who looks like she feasts on a lotta sweets. But maybe that was the point. The big girl was comparatively created to be fun and upbeat – and the majority of the guys still left her. The fat guy, contrarily, gave out the same brand of visual misinformation and the women still made farmer’s market dates with him and even kissed him before parting ways.

Could it be ulterior motive that’s the driving force here? Because for the guys who showed up, the plan to have a sexual fantasy ultimately fulfilled was annihilated when they got more woman than that for which they’d bargained. Dudes didn’t even sit down – and why would they? This is an audition for Sex-Factor, not Wifey-Idol. We didn’t meet on Match.com. This is Tinder.

So, that should’ve been the same expectation the chicks had.

But, alas, the evidence doesn’t lie.

These ladies were apparently willing to settle for this corpulent kinda unlikeable character who also false-advertised. Is that because they were nice? Or because he wasn’t (lotsa chicks are like cats – they want to be loved, petted, and adored the moment you stop offering it)? Or was it because (despite having knowingly met them on fleeting-meetup media) they were thinking of tucking him way in the back corner “in case I don’t have any prospects 40 years from now and don’t wanna die alone” part of the kitchen cupboard? Or even just that friend-zone member who’ll tell you you’re pretty and everyone else sucks? Part of me feels like that was the whole point of this social experiment – to demonstrate the biology disparity between men and women with respect to casual encounters. That dudes carry out the mission from its inception and abandon it when the parameters of said directive change – while women are just kinda bound to their blueprints for bookmarking potential long-term providers. And they’re thus willing to build a whole long-term dynamic with deception at its foundation – even though this was only ever meant to be a 15 minute fling at the Ramada across the street.

As ever, the femi-nazi within wants to finger wag and say “nuh-uuuhh”.

But, I guess I can’t, can I? Seeing as I came to this conclusion myself and all?

Still, they’d do a better job at convincing everyone else if they’d designed the experiment more equally.

I was left wondering – why did they have to go out of their way to make the dude seem douchey? If he was nicer, the chicks might have gotten bored like over-petted housecats and wandered off like the dudes did. I wanna know what’d happen if they redid this experiment with both personalities acting generally pleasant. And what happens when both genders come “lean” – about their not being actually fat.

But even more than that, I wanna know: how did zero of these trolled folk not recognize this was a fat suit? These people are arguably more dim-witted than they are superficial. So, in this next social experiment I’ve outlined, I also want to know is how many people could figure out you’re even wearing a terribly applied fat suit that bends and crinkles when you profile like no human tissue naturally does? Fat’s not that vulnerable to gravity. Nobody’s upper face stays that slim while the rest of their adipose tissue cascades downward like geriatric testicles. Let’s get on this experiment ASAP.

’cause I don’t know how to Tinder, so this is how I get my kicks now.