Lady Lego, rebooted


Remember the good old days?

When they only flavour Lego came in was “jaundice”?

Sadly, it’s evolved since your and my day. First they ruined the unity of Legoland by black-facing some and just saying every other group fell into the golden genre. And now Lego’s lady dolls are being revamped. That’s right. A new line of astronomers and paleontologists are being fashioned into plastic for your mini femme. This is funny because for a while there -all of their other “updates” catered toward girls were arguable fails. For example, there was the 2012 addition of female figurines with slimmed down physiques, juice, bars, and pet salons. And people cried “sexism!”. Then there was the pink and purple color scheme that they di-

Wait… did they say pet salon?! How cool is that?!

(Damn right I will.)

Much like the target audience (above, nomming on his entertainment), half of them can’t even speak. And the only shit they give about girl-toys is the one you get to clean up in their pants.

But as your mini-me begins to grow and tote around their beloved toy… why not have the childhood memento and its forever association be a tie to a profession that does some good in the world? Something that helps serve humanity and the greater goo-

Jesus Christ, is that Justin Bieber?

“Introducing Miss Crystal Heisenberg! (desert caravan and affable junkie not included)

The peanut gallery (me included) will always have something negative to say. And – yeah – the “slimmed down” version is kind of stupid whether we’re talking lady legos or man lego wrestlers trying to make weight (“Thanks but no thanks – coach says I can only eat kale this month”) It’s been a while – so bear with me here – but aren’t legos made of blocks? With bucketlike heads? Why slim ‘em down? They’re just metaphors for people. Not real scaled down representations of the real thing. I don’t think kids are gonna get confused and start breaking out yardsticks.


Just give that betch a bun (betches love buns). Or some eyelashes. Or paint a clam’s profile just under her ovaries and on top of her lab coat. But if you don’t – I really don’t care. Why? Because even though inadvertently walking on them feels like that time I walked across nails that never happened, they’re still awesome toys. And classic. But they should all be yellow – not some black and every other group on planet earth yellow (because that’s more racist than than saying “I’m not prejudiced! I talked to my black neighbor just the other day! I asked him how he was doing and everything.”)

Despite their sorta kinda fails since a few years back, I feel like this isn’t a bad move. It’s better than the slutty dolls I adored, emulated, and whose body and wardrobe I am still waiting patiently to transform into having any day now.


Ah, yes. She was why I wanted to work in a depressing office and bleach my hair. (Actually Christina Applegate’s “Don’t Tell Mom” character was the reason for that.) But mayhaps find a happy medium with the hairstyle?

I know plenty’a sexy labrats who look nada like this Scooby Doo Thelma looking thing.