The Hidden Magic Behind Tired Pickup Lines

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Whether on the receiving or the pitching end, we’ve all been there.. I myself, being a woman and all, have heard it all, as far as pickup lines go. Well, maybe not all, I mean there’s always more… But I’ve heard enough to know that I’ve heard too many.

Just to name a few: Going from somewhat innocent/lame to borderline inappropriate:

Did it hurt?.. When you fell from heaven?

I lost my number.. Can I have yours?

I love every bone in your body. Especially MINE!

I’m no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight!

Classic and comical as they may be, they don’t even stand near my all-time favorite – “OMG, your name is Anastasia? Like Anesthesia, you make me numb”. The nicer bones in my body prevented me from punching that person in the face and showing them what numb really feels like. Besides, he meant it in the nicest way possible.. Why would I hurt someone that has good intentions and compliments me?

Either way, what it really comes down to when talking about the success rate of pickup lines I believe, is the genuineness of the pick-up line dropper as well as the open mindedness and non-shallowness of the pick-up line receiver.

EXHIBIT A: It’s a Saturday night at a bar. There’s a girl. Presumably she is the hottest girl there and she’s sitting by her lonesome with nothing but her glass of red wine and a cell phone that’s grasping for its remaining bits of power keeping her company. There’s a boy. He’s not easy on the eyes but let’s just say he’s smart and has a great personality. (By the way, just in case you’re wondering why this girl and this boy are chillin’ at a bar, don’t worry.. It’s actually a man and a woman. Boy/Girl just sounded better to me for the sake of a potential love story. I dunno, just go with it). So, this Boy decides to come up to the girl and say something lame like “You come here often?” Let’s face it, that’s the oldest, most unoriginal, most aimless, least successful line of all time. It’s not even a line really if you think about it. It’s not trying to accomplish anything, it’s merely an opener. But let’s just say… Again for the sake of this potential love story, the girl is not a complete asshole and actually indulges the fella with a response! And oh my, what follows, if you can imagine they actually have a … Conversation!

EXHIBIT B: Same setup.. Except instead of drinking wine, let’s say she’s drinking a pina colada.. This one isn’t a badass bitch who happens to be open minded. She’s just a regular, soulless hot girl. So needless to say when our nerd approaches her with the very same “pick-up line”, her response is something similar to that of a dismissal, possibly accompanied by an uninterested snarl. We don’t like this girl. She is what you often refer to as a “See You Next Tuesday” if you know what I mean.

EXHIBIT C: Let’s switch up the setup a little bit. Same hot girl is sitting by herself. For the sake of keeping things interesting, she’s drinking a Manhattan and instead of a phone she has a book. Our guy is different too. He is no longer an awesome, rough around the edges nerd. He is now a good looking, self-important prick. He’s a stud and he knows it so he doesn’t even think twice about approaching the lady. “May I buy you a drink?” he says. She kindly declines, pointing to her ¾ full Manhattan and resuming her reading. He apologizes for disturbing her and walks away. Whether he does so because he respects her decision or because he’s too lazy to pursue anything further as he’d rather move on to his next prey that’s much easier to “capture” doesn’t matter, because the result is the same.

EXHIBIT D: Same setup. Except this time, the guy doesn’t have a clue. “Can I buy you a drink?” he says. She kindly declines of course, pointing to her Manhattan indicating that she already has a drink and making an attempt to return to her book. He doesn’t let up however. He doesn’t care that she’s got other activities going on. As far as he’s concerned, he’s the only important thing in her radius and she should be responding to his activations and nothing else. This scenario never goes well. Bouncers get involved, fights happen – it can get pretty ugly.

EXHIBIT E: Same hot girl: Sitting at the same bar. This time she is drinking a dirty Martini. Both her phone and her book are keeping her company. Our nerd friend from the first two exhibits decides to approach her with stumbling attempts of blending “Hi, you come here often?” and “Can I buy you a drink?”. And this chick is cool. She puts down her book and she’s all like “Really? That’s all you got?” And she proceeds to become his best friend/ broski/ wing woman and helps him find the girl of his dreams in the near future by putting him through some severe training and teaching him that The Eye of the Tiger has no boundaries. Or something like that.

EXHIBIT F: Let’s give the hot girl a break, she must be exhausted going back and forth between all those personalities; not to mention drunk and bound to have a major hangover the next day, given the fact that she’s mixing all these liquors. This time The Girl is sitting at the very same bar, with her hair up and her shirt sticking out of her dress pants. A pint of beer is her drink of choice and her phone is silently chillin’ by her side. Our beloved nerd slides up next to her and offers to buy her a beer. She points to the beer in front of her, clearly stating that’s not dying of thirst but suggests that they do a shot instead. And off they go gallivanting into the world of unknown possibilities of falling in love and/or one night stands.

And these are just the first 6 off the top of my head. Obviously there are plenty more variations and scenarios that could possibly take place. The point is it’s hardly ever about the pick-up line itself. It’s about the surroundings and the people that take place during this “pick up line” action. Hope you’re picking up what I’m layin’ down, yo. Shaaawwwtayyyy!

PS. Shouting things at people of opposite gender on the street in an obnoxious manner is not considered a pick up line, nor is it considered anything other than a poor attempt of conducting a mating ritual.