UGH, Weddings…

weddings
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Every little girl dreams of a big white dress and a beautiful ceremony and pretty flowers and blah blah blegh. I’m so sick of the phrase “Ever since I was a little girl…”. I get it, you play with your barbie dolls and you create their lives based on the Telenovela plots you’ve been subjected to while you were staying at your grandmother’s. There’s drama involved, and there’s this and there’s that and then they overcome their troubles and get married at last. Because that’s the ultimate goal in life, right? What happens after they tie the knot and a bunch of little baby dolls appear? Does Barbie ever realize that she doesn’t have a vagina in between her dress fittings? Does Ken ever realize that he’s gay? Did your Barbie and Ken ever get a divorce because he cheated on her with Bill? If my memory serves me right there was a Bill in that dysfunctional family somewhere…

Either way, those two seem to have set a standard for girls everywhere to make it a priority to have “The Wedding”. Moving into adulthood, we stop playing with dolls and start playing with ourselves. Pun intended. Then we start playing with others and finally we find the one. Well some do, and some think they do, and some are just too eager about the act of marriage itself. So naturally the planning development starts. That’s a process in itself and is a very important aspect of “The Wedding”. Oh the options! Oh the frustrations! The term “Bridezilla” then emerges in the English language. You’ve seen the movies and the TV shows. You now feel that you must relate to all the other women that are faced with this incredibly stressful task of planning the singular most important and most incredible day of their lives. Naturally it would just be wrong to derail from the general bride-to-be’s itinerary. As expected, you start bitching and freaking out cause Oh ‘Em Gee, god forbid shit doesn’t go your way and lilac is off by a shade and that’s one too many flowers in the bouquet, and holy wedding bells, the cake is four and a half minutes late, what are we going to do…

Here’s what really boggles my mind though. So you spend all this time, picking out the venue and the perfect dress, you send out the “Save The Date” cards, and whatnot.. Then the day finally arrives, and what do you do? You make sure you remember it by taking a million pictures of course! Pose this way; pose that way; now look at her like you want to spend the rest of your lives together; now look at him like he’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you; now hold her up; now stand behind her as she pretends to fall while opening her mouth just slightly and covering it with half her hand because she’s oh so scared, but you’re there to catch her; now stare off into space like you’re both looking into your future….. Can you be more generic? I get it, it looks cool and you’ll have beautiful photos from your wedding day to look through in the future, but you’re spending more time taking pictures than you’re actually enjoying each other. Isn’t that what this day is supposed to be about? Or is that reserved for “the rest of your life”? If that’s the case I guess it makes sense that you’re put to work on your actual wedding day, doing various poses and whatnot instead of being with your guests and being yourself around your now husband/wife.

And the funny thing is when I first started bartending at weddings, I thought they were beautiful. Since then, let me tell you, I’ve seen the good the bad and the ugly, mostly bad and ugly. Sure it was sentimental and adorable at first, but now it’s just so banal that it makes me want to hurl. The toasts are atrocious – There’s nothing worse than a bridesmaid who reads her toast without any emotion, and way too fast mind you. It’s as if she’s in a race with herself – who can finish first, her or her dignity. Either way, she loses. It’s just so impersonal and annoying, ugh. The introductions are too, lame and imitative. The cake is usually boring. Everything is just so rehearsed and nauseating. If it’s supposed to be the biggest day of your life (yuck, obviously, because there are so many days AFTER the wedding that are way more important), then why not make it actually memorable? And I don’t mean going extravagant because then the question of money comes in and not everyone can afford “ridiculous”. But we can all afford a little “crazy”. Have a cake that’s actually going to surprise people for once by not being BEIGE or red velvet or some shit. Wear a dress that doesn’t make you walk or sit funny. Don’t throw a bouquet of flowers; throw a bottle of Jameson instead. Change the tradition from “who’ll get married next” to “who’s definitely getting trashed tonight”. Anything! Step outside of the boundaries that the society has instilled in you, and you’ll have a chance to have a great party to celebrate your life, love, and happiness.

 

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